March 31, 2009
Today I feel exhausted, like this shift is kicking my ass hard. I’m finding it a hard time to have enthusiasm for anything or anyone. Sad, but true. I wanted to blog before work, but I find my brain so fuzzy … maybe after work tonight. I just wish this week would end so I can go back to being your girl and not this fatigued mess that I currently am.
March 30, 2009
Today I feel a wanting, like I need for things to move forward, but at the same time I don’t know exactly what that means. It’s just a feeling I have. Then again maybe I am just overtired and fatigue is kicking my ass and messing with my head, lol.
March 29, 2009
Today I feel satisfied. Things are back where they are supposed to be and I feel rather calm, not very pressured or stressed over the whole thing. I can say I am genuinely happy. So I am proud of this. As for struggles, I was having a bit of a time getting into the mood to play today, but I guess I am fortunate that you know my triggers and knew what would put me in that mindset rather quickly 
March 28, 2009
Today I feel .. like I have a surprise, so I’m kinda excited about that. But I refuse to ruin it for you, so don’t ask
March 27, 2009
Today I feel … well, rather unsexy. As I’ve stated I have been killing myself at the gym for weeks now, watching what I eat, and I’ve seen no effects whatsoever. It’s rather demoralizing since I could pretty much be sitting on the couch instead of working out and see the same results. But I guess it’s a good thing this has happened since it’ll push me to work harder, watch what I eat better. I’ve never had this many problems losing weight so it’s rather … frustrating.
Overall, other than this though, I am rather happy.
March 26, 2009
Today I feel rather disconnected. When I tried to wake up earlier I felt very ill and headachey, so I decided to go back to sleep for as long as I could. I still woke up and felt like crap, but it was a slight improvement over the crap I felt earlier in the day. So that’s part of the reason, and the other being I think that we haven’t really talked much over the last few days. Being a person that feeds off of dialogue as a connection, it makes it kinda hard to feel centered and all that jazz. Not trying to whine or sound drama because I’m not complaining or upset, just rather a statement of how things are from my end. Hopefully I knock this cold in a few days, that’ll help. Phlegm is soooo not sexy.
March 25, 2009
Today I feel … a little on edge. I’ve been doing a lot of pondering and trying to sort stuff out in my head so .. yeah. I’m trying to stay out of drama and keep my life drama-free, which sounds easier said than done lol.
I’m very excited for my selected dinner for tonight — grilled cheese and tomato soup. How sad is that when you get excited for such a trivial dinner? But I am, you know me well I guess, since there hasn’t been a single issue with the meals being picked (unless I mix them up or am sick or something).
March 24, 2009
Today I find myself struggling with … patience. For some reason little things are annoying me today. I sometimes wonder if I might be better off in a little bubble, where I reserve complete control over what comes my way, thus being able to remove anything that may be an annoyance to me. And these things tend to make me falter, make me feel like withdrawing from everything, so it worries me somewhat.
As for a source of pride … I just don’t know right now. I’m not depressed or feel like a failure, but nothing specific is really standing out for me to say ‘wow, I am doing amazing at this!’. Just kinda trucking along, middle of the road, nothing really significant to mention.
March 23, 2009
Today I feel .. icky tummy! But my head seems to be in the right place, so that makes me happy. I struggle to feel sexy like this, but at least I feel like I’m going in the right direction
March 22, 2009
Today I feel that I miss you more than usual. I also find myself with my feet dangling curiously over that ledge … but not quite ready yet to jump full in yet. I don’t know why I have this slight hesitation, but it’s there and there’s not much I can do about it at this point. I’m sure within a day or two things will be back where they were, and that makes me happy and a little excited. Also a little nervous, but that’s okay. 
March 21, 2009
Today I feel very happy and satisfied with how things are. I woke up with the ambition to go out and buy those clips, so hopefully I can find them. I also felt the urge to play, for the first time in a good while. So hopefully that pans out over the course of the day.
March 20, 2009
Today I feel … okay. Not really struggling, and not really proud … though I did write a super long blog post when 30 minutes earlier I had no clue wtf to write about, so I guess we can go with that as my source of pride today.
I also feel a tad less fat today .. VERY TINY TAD.
March 19, 2009
Today I feel a little more centered, and feel like I’m sliding more and more into my submission. I don’t feel like I’m totally there, but I did have the impulse to curl up at your feet and ask to be petted today. Progress.
March 18, 2009
Today I feel .. balanced. Woke up on time, thus giving me time to enjoy the beautiful day and go for a walk and do some errands in town. Along with that, I still got home early enough that I can probably blog right now before work, so that’s refreshing that I’m not falling behind/pushing stuff off until the last minute.
March 17, 2009
Today I am struggling with doing these tasks because I want to go outside and play in the pretty pretty sunshine! So being responsible and doing what I’m supposed to do is kinda hard, but it’s the nature of the experiment I guess. I’m also proud of this, because I’m not making excuses and instead am doing what I am supposed to do.
March 16, 2009
Today I struggle to find the time to get everything done, and because of that this task ended up taking the backburner to real life issues (i.e. travel, work, etc). It’s done, but I resent not having enough time that it requires a delay in order to be completed.
I’m proud of the fact that I am happy. It sounds simplistic, but honestly it is something of which I am proud. I know there were a few things that could have brought on a bad mood, but I didn’t focus on them for any period of time really, and because of that I find myself very content and balanced. I feel like I’m sliding back into my submissive place, and this makes me very very happy.
March 15, 2009
gotta keep it short, the family has started to arrive O_o
I am struggling with missing you, and I am happy with that.
March 14, 2009
Today I feel I have struggled with needing you. I don’t want to be a whiney needy thing that relies on you for everything and cannot function without you. But at the same time I find I do struggle, even when things are bad it seems like I’d rather have you there than not at all. I’m not exactly ‘pleased’ by this feeling (because I really like being an independant/self-sufficient creature), but I’ll take it as a positive instead of condemning it as a negative.
As for my pride, I guess the fact that I’m not upset right now. I spent the entire evening eager to get home, pop open the laptop and get to chat with you a bit before you head out. But you weren’t online. For a moment my brain went into the ‘omg what is he doing?’ zone, but I shook it off and it since has passed. Instead of wallowing and obsessing in the worst possible scenario I’m instead accepting the reality that (1) you weren’t expecting me tonight, and (2) like me now, we do have lives outside eachother on weekends. Instead of focusing on the bad I’m focusing on the logical. It’s an odd thing for me, but a happy transition to feel occur.
I also spent some time talking to my parents about you at dinner. They were particularly curious but not overly nosy (knowing that I don’t open up very often, so they didn’t push too hard for details). They seem happy.
March 13, 2009
I am struggling with body issues today (as if you haven’t been able to tell already, ha!). I’m going to the gym and I feel better overall, like I’m getting more fit. But at the same time my body doesn’t appear to be showing any signs of my work. My stomach looks like it’s getting BIGGER instead of SMALLER, which boggles my mind completely. But I digress. This is my struggle today.
As for a source of pride …. I guess that I didn’t lose my patience last night and have a temper tantrum or say anything that I regret. I kept my head as level as I could so that I didn’t say/do anything to make a bad situation worse. I stood my ground on an issue that I think would have likely completely finished us off. I just hope I was right about this working out by following this tactic …
March 12, 2009
Today I’m not really sure what I’m proud about. I feel disappointed in myself that I’m not where you want me to be, being that I’m not back into my submission yet. I’m trying, but it’s just not happening fast enough .. *sighs*. I just feel like I’m more trouble than I’m worth.
March 11, 2009
My stomach looks huge, I feel fat and horrible these days. On top of that, I just don’t seem to have enough time anymore for everything I want to get done. I wake up around 12:30pm today, didn’t even go on IRC, and yet I still have leave in less than a half hour and don’t have a blog post done. It just feels like I’m swimming upstream, and no matter how much I try to get ahead my efforts are for naught. So lame.
March 10, 2009
Today I feel kind of proud of the fact that I’ve accomplished quite a bit (after waking up at a reasonable hour). I know last night I flaked out on the gym because I was at work too late, and I feel guilty for that. But instead of scratching off the night completely I resolved to at least get a blog post done, putting my tasks before doing something trivial (i.e. crashing in front of the tv in a zombie-like state for 2 hours).
March 9, 2009
Today I find myself struggling with body issues — my stomach is more bloated than usual and I just feel extremely fat because of it. I’ve entered the ‘hate my hips/thighs/tummy/waist/etc’ state that I detest so much. The reason I hate this so much is when I get into it literally nothing can drag me back out. It’s not a funk exactly but more of a state of mind. A very counter-productive state of mind that causes me nothing but grief.
As for a source of pride .. perhaps that I swallowed mine and sent this picture even though I consider it completely unflattering and feel I look disgusting in it. Instead of throwing a tantrum and storming off saying I’m not going to do it I actually will. Baby steps.
March 7, 2009
Today I am struggling with trying to not beat myself up too severely for my fuckup. I think I accidentally inverted two of my meals, having butternut squash risotto last night instead of tonight as planned. I mean, it’s not like it’s that fucking hard for me to check the email each night and make what it says, but last night I forgot and for some reason just thought it was the risotto and .. argh!
On the other hand, I made a conscious effort today while out to try and locate these clip things that Sir wants for my nipples. I spent 20 minutes being dragged around a store being shown every type of clamp in existance by a 60 year old man, but none were what he wants. But I mean, he’s liked the idea of them for awhile, and I’ve never taken initiative to find them, so that was a good thing for me. I picked up double-sided clips at least so I can start to sleep bound if that’s what he wants.
March 6, 2009
Today I am struggling to be happy with my body. It honestly feels like my tummy is a little smaller, and yet when I took my daily picture I couldn’t help but think I looked absolutely horrible. Body issues sucks. I guess I am proud of the fact that I managed to find a picture I could tolerate instead of just giving up and not completing the task.
March 5, 2009
I feel physically exhausted by life in every other aspect, and it makes the struggle to get back where I was at even harder it seems. But despite that I’m trying, and I get glimmers of it, so that makes me happy in that aspect at least.
March 4, 2009
Today I find I’m doing okay with most of my tasks, but I’m struggling to find the time to blog. I haven’t forgotten or purposely neglected it, but I just don’t seem to have the time the last few days to sit down and devote an hour to it. Tonight is a gym night, so that’ll be a bust. I guess as long as I get one in tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday I’ve fulfilled my criteria. Not feeling good and being busy sucks. :/
March 3, 2009
Today I struggle with staying conscious …. k seriously. I am struggling slightly with my Sirs in terms of honorifics. In a sad way I just don’t feel like saying it, not for lack of respect, but I just don’t feel like the D/s … which bothers me.
I’m proud of the fact that I haven’t lost my patience in the past day or so, despite things irking me slightly. If patience is a virtue then it’s one that’s a work in progress.
March 2, 2009
I struggle with the mindset that everything is going to be alright with us. I want to have faith, and I do hope and wish it does, but I just have a hard time believing it at times. :/
I am proud of the fact that you find me worth your time, and worth bothering with. I know this is probably not the most eloquent way of saying what my brain is thinking, but I can’t really seem to find the right words for it at this time. I guess I’m glad you chose me is what I’m trying to say essentially.
March 1, 2009
Somewhat satisfactory as Sir’s little cumslut and toy. Like he does desire me for what I am and who I am, and in that I take comfort.
I struggle however with the idea of being in this mindset 24/7. It seems like a switch I have to turn on and off, drifting in and out of the mood as necessary. It’s not something I want, to be like this, but it’s something I have to work through.
