January 31, 2009
.. slightly proud of the fact that I took initiative and asked Sir if I can resume anal training now that I’m home. He seemed very receptive to the idea, so that helped.
However I wasn’t able to wear it nearly as long as I normally did. I think this was due to the amount of lube that I used, which was less than usual. It made it feel more snug, but it also made it more uncomfortable. Obviously this is going to require some work. I had it in for a good hour at least, but I think I had it in a few times for three plus hours before I left. Progress shall have to be made.
January 30, 2009
… unmotivated. I just seem to lack the drive/energy to do anything today. I know I should blog about something relevant to D/s, or I should work on my travel blog. Or I should go print out pictures. But I just feel so gross (ill) and unmotivated today. I’m struggling to even find the energy to write this little blog bit.
There’s nothing I’m really proud of tbh. Sir got pissed at me last night because apparently I sometimes tend to talk to him like he’s an idiot. It’s not something I do intentionally *sighs*. Anyway, yeah. Kinda one of those moods where I feel I can’t do anything right, so I can’t come up with anything now.
January 29, 2009
.. that I am struggling to get back into routine. Yesterday I had a complete spaz-out and didn’t realize until I got home from work that I forgot to put my anklet on. I cannot even put into words the panic I felt when I realized this — I’d swear my heart literally did stop. I put it on immediately, but I still don’t understand how I gapped that badly. Well I do, since I’m constantly exhausted and cannot seem to get enough sleep since I’ve gotten back (prolonged jetlag?), I’m rather zombie-like.
Nothing is really standing out in particular for me to be proud of myself for to be honest. I guess the fact that my honorifics have been coming out more steadily the last few days? Especially in an online public medium I’ve noticed I’m less hesitant with calling him Sir in channel and the such. This was something I had a problem with before I went on the trip, so it’s rather nice to see it become easier since my return.
January 28, 2009
…. immersed in quiet. No roosters, no birds. No snores, no gropes. I feel very isolated suddenly, after spending so much time with Sir. And I’m rather conflicted about that. Parts of me are rather enjoying having space to myself again, but other parts are missing him. I rather dislike this being in limbo, not entirely sure of where/what I’m feeling or what I need at this time. The only things I am sure about is that I do want/need Sir, and that I am nervous about the idea of spending a week with him in the summer alone. Mainly because if he can inflict that much damage with his fingers, just imagine what he can do with toys O_o
As for what I am proud of … I suppose the fact that I haven’t been hiding the fact that I do miss him. I haven’t shrugged it off or acted non-chalant about how I’ve been feeling. Also, I’m happy I’ve been completely honest with him about where I stand. He seems to find it amusing and tends to laugh at me, saying he knows and understands. I’m glad I’ve figured out a way to communicate my concerns in a way that doesn’t attack his ego or something.
So … exhausted.
January 20, 2009
slightly perplexed, but overall well balanced. Other than daily tasks our exchanges have been somewhat lacking in D/s protocol I’ve noticed …. I’m wondering if this is a subconscious guarding thing we’re each doing until we figure out how we are in r/l. Hrmmmm.
I am happy I am excited again though! Yesterday I was so nervous and all. We had this blowout over things .. I’m starting to wonder if I genuinely am a drama queen. *frowns* Also, I’m very pleased with how cute my toes turned out *wiggles them*. Since I’ll be living in flip-flops for the next week, this’ll be a good thing.
January 19, 2009
…. very very very nervous. I had problems sleeping last night because of it in fact … I am a zombiiiiiiiiie today. *walks around searching for brains* Srsly though, I’m starting to panic a bit. And unfortunately this isn’t even -my- fault for once. The other night Sir and I went back and forth over what we would do if we didn’t click or there was no chemistry there. By discussing it ahead of time, addressing the fact that it -could- happen, then I might feel a little better if that is the way that things go. However Sir seems to have possibly gone the other route, since his most frequently tone of commenting the last few days have been pessimistic. Now I’m glad he’s communicating his thoughts/feelings, but at the same time it’s making me freak out that we’re not going to connect and he’ll be disappointed. By focusing on the possibility of the negative my brain is telling myself that it won’t work and I’ve found myself already starting to do damage control. So last night I had to ask him to stop it and explained it’s messing with my head. I understand where he’s coming from, but my brain is so jumbled with things to get done in the last few days that I need as much positive juice going through my brain as possible. Also, I was finding it was reflecting on my submission and I was aware that my honorifics were starting to slip and my mood was in a downwards spiral. At least now I am trying to do damage control on -that- (my submission slipping) vs. the other alternative (mentally classifying us as only friends).
On the plus side, I think I’ve handled myself very well and managed to get everything sorted out rather smoothly so far considering the constrained timeline I’m faced with. I’m very excited (yet also nervous now, *slight frown*) about meeting Sir. And I’m proud of the fact that I said something about his words affecting me. It’s a rare occasion where I put my needs in front of someone else’s, so for me to actually ask him to stop voicing his concerns was pretty hard for me. I can work off the logic of it being ‘for the better good’ but it was a bit selfish I guess.
In other news, I’ve started taking the Metamucil per Puppy Princess’ suggestion. The result is that I seem to go to the washroom a lot more. I wouldn’t say it’s ‘firmer’, but it’s certainly more frequent .. hrmmm. Time will tell I suppose.
January 18, 2009
.. I am struggling to not be impulsive. I will not be impulsive, I will not be impulsive. I will not do anything until every base has been covered. *eyes her phone and sighs*.
On a similar note, I haven’t done anything remotely impulsive yet but will likely be doing so. This is against my nature, so I’m kinda proud of myself for planning to go against the grain of my comfort to do something new/exciting/spontaneous/Sir-related.
(Backstory: Sir is in Kauai right now and has been pestering me to join him. So far all the criteria that would have given me reason to not go seems to be working out so …. yeah. I’m currently just waiting on my backup to call me to confirm she is good for those specific dates and then I will be buying my ticket, which conveniently dropped another $150 overnight. The way the stars seem to be aligning for this is weird, so hopefully it pans out. This’ll be the first time we meet, so I’m rather excited/nervous)
January 17, 2009
… that I am struggling hard to not overload Sir with affection and ‘I miss you’s. Seriously this is my biggest struggle for this morning, so all in all I’m rather pleased with life today. I truly do wish he were at home (or preferably here) because this limited-time jazz really isn’t all that awesome. And I truly do miss him … immensely.
As for what I excel at today … I think that I’m proud of how well I’ve handled all my new tasks this week. I haven’t slipped up on anything at all this week (unless staying up an extra 15 minutes last night counts, but weekends are generally at Sir’s discretion, and he fell asleep before assigning me a bedtime O_o .. in which case I’d take my lickings for my assumption). My morning pictures (Sir now wants emailed photos of me in the bra/panties that he chooses daily) have actually served to boost my confidence a little bit the last few days, where as they just made me feel horrible at the start. And I’ve sent my meal options off to Sir a day early even, so yeah 
. I do need to put more focus on creative writing though, so maybe I’ll try some of that this weekend.
January 16, 2009
.. rather alone, tbh. It’s day one of Sir being in his vacation locale and I already feel rather isolated. However I guess I understand now how he felt when I was visiting home for a few weeks. Sucky place. It doesn’t help that I had a psychologically damaging dream last night.
Ironically I’m dealing with the dream rather well. Instead of freaking out, being in tears and screaming ‘I can’t do this!!!’ I’m actually rather calm about it. Yes I was shaken, yes I was scared and hurt. But I haven’t freaked out and blown it all out of proportion. This is a big step for me, lol. I’d still prefer to have him around to reassure me though.
January 15, 2009
.. I cannot get my ass clean enough to enjoy anal properly. It looks like I’ll have to go up to administering -three- enemas to get clean, which just doesn’t sound right to me. I’m really at a loss here, since Sir has tossed around the idea of my being plugged daily while doing stuff around the house. I don’t think enemas are designed to be done about 15 times per week O_o
But I am proud of the fact that I wore the plug for two hours (!!!!) last night. Sir wanted to start with a scale, slowly easing me up and into it. Ironically it took twice as long as planned to make dinner (1 hr vs. 0.5 hrs), and even after that I felt no discomfort with it so we left it in. As I told him, I could probably wear it all night with no issues, and I am starting to actually like the whole process a bit ….
…. if only I could get cleaner. If anyone has any suggestions I’d be thankful since this is something I want to remedy in the future.
January 14, 2009
… lost.
On the plus side, I’m getting very good at not pushing my baggage on to other people. Ironically, what I’m trying to do to not throw my crap onto Sir actually seems to be pissing him off. Sometimes I can’t win.
January 13, 2009
… lost on how to deal with my stupid baggage at times. Last night some stuff was said that pushed my mind into a bad place, and unfortunately it soured my mood from then on. Which I detest because it cut into my time with Sir, and I’d rather be good humored in those moments than depressed/wallow.
On the plus side, I’m getting better at not taking my bad mood out on him. Though I was bitter and grumpy, I kept quiet instead of being snippy. I can’t fully seem to push negative thoughts back to where they belong, but at least I’m getting better at redirecting my feelings and not imposing them on others.
January 12, 2009
… that my body might not be cut out for this anal stuff. I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence that I woke up today with abdominal cramping and nausea, or if it’s my body telling me that (again) I am doing something that it doesn’t think is appropriate. The only other time this happens is when I indulge in a good cervical raping/bruising so …. yeah. I’m not entirely sure. I’m determined to keep this going though.
Ironically I carry a tiny bit of pride in how impressed Sir seemed to be with my progress. Though I know I didn’t score a 10/10 on the scale because I wasn’t absolutely in love with it, when he said I was around an 8 I was rather pleased. I like the fact that I actually enjoyed the enema experience a little bit instead of loathing it as I figured. Sir has also mentioned how much this pleased him, and in return it pleases me also.
January 11, 2009
… Like I am struggling to get a normal post written for this blog this week. :/ Luckly the second part of my struggle notion for today should provide some pertinent blogging info.
I excel at making Sir drool …. with my meal suggestions. I take a slight form of satisfaction in knowing that, at the very least, I could keep him happy in the sense that he’d be well-fed.
January 10, 2009
… that I may be struggling my submission as a whole. My mind may be wandering away from the goal because it hasn’t felt .. challenged .. enough. I hope with all of my being that increasing the taskload and exploring new things with Sir will bring me back to where I belong.
Otherwise, I feel like I excel at keeping him on his toes. I’m not entirely sure if this is a purely -good- thing yet, lol, but it is something that I seem quite competent at doing.
January 9, 2009
…. I am struggling at times with ways of discussing my concerns with Sir. Each time I try they come out all wrong and get taken the wrong way. I will have to work on being more .. neutral?
However I feel that I am excelling at doing as I am told. Despite the fact that I could have kept reading for a good hour last night, I went to bed at my dictated bedtime like a good girl. I also haven’t slipped up in a task since returning home.
