February 28, 2009
Productive, since I’m transferring all of these over to their new file, new format etc. I think it’ll make the flow of my journal more smooth and less choppy, and this way I will have all of my daily posts in one place.
Today I am proud of the fact that I didn’t get whiny or bitchy yesterday with Sir. I worry at times that I’m going to fall into this cycle of repetition with him where I’m going to end up turning into his ex or something. So lately I’ve been trying to keep my neurosis at bay (which hasn’t been that hard tbh since it hasn’t creeped up in the past 24 hrs) and choosing my words carefully with him. This is also my struggle, since I find myself self-editing in order to not offend, but you do what you can do I guess.
February 27, 2009
Forgetful since I got so wrapped up in writing an actual post that I forgot to do my daily for yesterday. Bad submissive is I.
I’m proud of the fact that I hauled ass at the gym today despite feeling gross/tired. I’m glad I did because I got to try starting out at jogging again. My knees hurt from it a bit, but that’ll go away with time. Being in better shape will make me feel better all around and flow into my submission I am sure.
February 26, 2009
… exhausted. I most definiely have come down with a cold, most noticeable due to the fact that (1) I cannot seem to get enough sleep, and (2) my nose won’t stop running. Also my stomach has taken a turn for the worst again, thus removing the likelyhood of any anal play this weekend *pouts*.
I am proud of my patience. Last night Sir was busy doing important Sir-type things and I entertained myself instead of pestering or whining profusely. In the end we didn’t get a whole lot of time together on the phone, but it was for the better good. So I’m glad that I didn’t pout and throw a tantrum, but actually put his needs before mine on this matter. I’ve also realized it’s not the end of the world to do this, hehe.
February 25, 2009
… still slightly disappointed with myself. Sir wanted to use me last night .. badly. But it was a horribly stressful day at work and I seem to be coming down with a cold (on top of the other issues, which almost seem to be remedied .. digress). So when I got home at 11:15pm I was ready to crawl into bed there and then. As it was I had no appetite and just laid on the couch until he called. Though Sir was understanding of the fact that I didn’t want to play if I couldn’t perform to his expectations of me (I don’t like to half-ass things with him), I still feel bad that I was unable to do what he wanted. 10 hrs of rest last night seemed to help since I feel a little better this morning (not 100% but at least a slight improvement).
I guess I am proud of the fact that I won’t lower my standards on certain things. Though I could have probably faked my way through play with Sir last night, or kind of coasted through it with minimal satisfaction I just didn’t want to. I know that the pain would hurt more in a bad way than a good way, so I wouldn’t push myself as hard as he’d want. So though I concede that he is the Dominant and he makes the rules, at the same time I don’t want to just do things because he wants it if I’m not performing to the level that both he and I would expect.
February 24, 2009
I’m having slight issues with honorifics. My brain has a hard time distinguishing between Sir in his Dominant form and Sir in his more casual, laid back vanilla form. When we’re talking and the conversation becomes very casual and goofy I tend to slide out of my submissive role easier. When the conversation is more serious or D/s based I slide in easier. I know I need to have little distinction between these two categories, but at the same time I have reservations about it for discussions with him when I am not completely alone (i.e. with friends, work, family, etc..). Conundrum.
I’m proud of the fact that I totally hit the nail on the head with my undergarments today. Sir gave me a ‘frilly’ option (essentially submissive’s choice) and I found this older one I bought during my first trip to Texas. I figured he would like it and I was right.
February 20, 2009
Hungry, famished, insatiable. Sir and I had a bit of playtime last night and it seems like I continuously forget how amazing it all feels. I find myself drained and exhausted, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed. And yet simultaneously I find myself wanting more play. He truly does turn me into his little whore sometimes.
I’m proud of the fact that I feel like I’m becoming less judgmental .. not just in things with Sir, but in every day life. While I can respect a person’s choices and actions, I don’t have to agree with them on any level. It’s their choices, period. So keeping my nose out of things and not contributing my two cents is good progress made.
February 19, 2009
That I’m struggling to keep my neurocompulsive quirks at bay and not be a pseudo bitchslave from hell. And it’s hard, sometimes, because I feel overwhelmed by them but I feel I’ve done moderately good at keeping them silenced for the last little while. Which is progress.
I’m also proud of the fact that I’m letting my life get back to normal. I’m trying to not let this stupid stomach condition make me sit around the house doing nothing each day. I’ve modified my diet to try and include better choices, and last night I actually went to the gym for the first time in a few weeks. I wish I wasn’t so exhausted all the time, so that I can be more attentive to Sir and his needs, but I’ll be focusing on that next.
February 18, 2009
Irritated. Incapacitated. Impossible. Ignored. Isolated. Inferior. Insecure.
On the plus side, I feel like I want to blog. Unfortunately I lack the time to dedicate to it this morning, so hopefully I’ll have the energy after work tonight.
February 17, 2009
Very horny. It’s hard to behave yourself when you have absolutely no desire to do so. Especially when you know you really shouldn’t act on your instincts, ignoring the fact that you don’t even have permission …
Struggle and pride, less than 50 words.
February 16, 2009
Tardy with my tasks. I woke up today ill and rushed, and unfortunately it completely slipped my mind to do my daily blog and my photo. Technically I haven’t failed since I have to do it -daily-, not by a specific time, but still. Sucks.
I am proud today that I didn’t succumb to my mother’s poking and prodding and start a fight with her in the restaurant. Especially since it concerned Sir, and she was sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong (per usual). I don’t understand why she can’t leave my personal life alone, but so be it. Ironically later, when my dad poked fun at me when I said I was going to bed and check my email before I snooze, he pointed out I’m leaving to also talk to Sir. I laughed it off, but in the end did acknowledge I’d be talking to him. Where my mother will try and push her way through, my father is quite content to let me do things my way and live my life how I choose. Though I think a small part of him wishes I would admit that things with Sir and I are more than platonic (on a vanilla level of course, since he knows not of my kink), at the same time he understands that I like my privacy on some matters. That is one reason why I am so much of a daddy’s girl, the other being that he never lets me forget I will always be his little one (complete with hair ruffles).
On a sidenote, I really do miss Sir. Time apart like this really does suck.
February 15, 2009
.. I’m struggling to get back into a sexual frame of mind. I think this is primarily due to my stomach discomforts because, I mean, who feel sexual when they are suffering from (a) chronic diarrhea, and (b) their period? Yeah exactly, lol. But I am trying at least a wee bit …
I am proud however of the fact that I’m continuing to slide back into my submissive state of mind. It’s had a few bumps, but for the most part it’s been progressing at a very satisfactory level (at least, imho).
February 14, 2009
Returning a little more every day to my groove. I’m still a little resentful towards Sir for destroying my awesome mood-slash-mindset the other day, but I’m trying to not let that be relayed in my demeanor as much as I may have a few days ago ….
There, both my source of pride and struggle in 50 words or less. Now that is progress!
February 13, 2009
… complacent. I’m not sure if that’s the most adequate word, but one that comes to mind as being somewhat accurate. For all the problems I create, I guess I’m just getting sick of the rollercoaster of ups and downs. I’m tired of being upset or arguing or being stressed out because it seems like (yet again) everything I do is just a major fail. I don’t want things to end, but at the same time I can’t keep playing the same game, dancing the same dance … it’s just overwhelming my feeble brain.
And what am I proud of .. hrmm. I guess that I didn’t just throw my arms in the air last night and said ‘that’s it’, walking away. For all my confusion and conflict, I’m still glad I didn’t make a rash decision and used my brain instead of my impulses.
February 12, 2009
Appreciated. Like Sir values me as a submissive and enjoys having me in his life, and the fact that I recognize this today is a pretty big thing for me, so yay! I also find I am falling more and more back into my submissive mindset, which makes me feel a lot better about things between us.
Currently I’m struggling not so much with the going to bed, but the waking up in the morning. I know that’s not overly submission-related, but it is when it cuts into the tasks I wanted to get done before work that are submission-based. Boourns.
February 11, 2009
… rushed. I really wanted to get a post in before work, but I snoozed for like an hour, thus it is a fail. I’m struggling right now with my perception of collars. A rant was posted on FetLife that discussed people collaring after very brief periods of time. And as I was trying to formulate a comment dictating my thoughts, I’ve realized they’re rather jumbled. I think I’ve posted about it in my blog, but I’m not entirely sure. On one hand I find they have extreme significance, but on the other I’m not sure if I ever want a collar again …
Hrmm. I am proud of the fact that I haven’t fallen asleep on Sir all week. In fact, he’s been the one dozing off. Ha!
February 10, 2009
… kinda bleh. Thankfully I only have about one day left of meds to take, so in a few days I should feel back to normal. 
I don’t feel I have really any major struggles to deal with today since I’ve actually felt rather calm and centered for the past few days. My brain has been working itself back into its submissive state pretty decently, and that for me is a HUGE step forward. I’ve even found that I am less irritable with Sir, meaning that I don’t seem very tempermental and the such, which is good.
I guess overall I’m happy for today. Plus he has me dressed in sexy undergarments today, so that’s always a plus. I find it amusing to know I’m wearing a black sheer bra with red lace panties underneath a white wifebeater, baggy jeans and a hoodie, and that no one at work is any the wiser.
February 9, 2009
… a bit tardy, but with 45 minutes to spare (!!!!) … ironically I would say that I am struggling to keep all of my tasks organized in my head. What originally seemed like a relatively easy list I currently find myself stumbling through, forgetting the odd thing .. which sucks, a lot.
I am happy however with the fact that I am gradually getting back into the submissive mindset. Between the hecticness of the trip, getting back and being sick, then emotional crap (ugh), it’s nice to finally be healthy and seem to be able to work myself back into it. A huge leap in that direction came from the mild play that Sir and I did last night. I find it interesting how easily pain puts me in my place, and yet I also find it slightly concerning. It’s always good to know one’s triggers, but this one has become so blatantly obvious .. either way, I’m glad Sir used it because I feel much more balanced now than I have in weeks.
February 8, 2009
.. I am struggling to NOT spaz out on him. I am angry, I am hurt, I am infuriated, and it is taking every ounce of my being to NOT call him up and be the sarcastic bitch that I know is inside me right now. At least it’s an improvement I guess, moving from depressed to livid, but I’d still rather just settle for -happy-.
I guess I am proud of the fact that I’ve managed on my own at picking out my colors and scents for the last few days (defaults) since I haven’t had any assigned to me. And I haven’t freaked out about that either, now have I?
Oh yes, very pissy, very petty, very bitter.
February 7, 2009
Like the following:
- a failure
- a disappointment
- a burden
- an annoyance
- a flighty distraction
- a drama queen
- an emotional wreck
- numb
Today marks the anniversary of the last time I was within the presence with my now-ex. After 4 days of emotional overload and depression that was when it reached its apex, when I had to go and get all my things from his place. That was possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, putting the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship. The relationship was my first one that I would qualify as being ‘adult’ — meaning that it had a predictable longevity that likely would have resulted in marriage or something. Or at least, it realistically would have gone that path had things not blown up as they did. Which I am thankful for, in hindsight, but it doesn’t make it an easy pill to swallow.
I haven’t been in the best of moods this week. Combined with being sick and medicated, I’ve found myself to be very lethargic and emotionally-withdrawn. When I’m not shutting myself down completely I seem to be hyper-sensitive, getting upset or depressed over stupid things, letting silly things hurt my feelings. Usually this results in my getting snippy or just not seeming to care — and in a sad moment of admission I really haven’t cared. This has mainly been reflected on Sir, where if I don’t seem on the verge of tears because I feel he’s pulling away I seem to be irritated with things he says or does that causes me to withdraw on my own.
Tonight while we were talking online I made a remark in jest, and I guess he took it as my being snippy again. I’ve already been in an delicate state today, between having a bad day at work and having today looming over me like a big dark cloud. So when he got very nonchalant and like ‘whatever’ with me, it just felt like he really didn’t care if I was around anymore. He seemed fed up with me, and I just felt even more like a failure. I told him I was going to leave him alone before I made anything worse and logged off. We haven’t spoken since.
I keep replaying the whole process of events over in my mind. Finding that log. Listening while he told me of everything he had ever done to me. Listening while he proclaimed his love and that it would never happen again and it meant nothing, and that he knew doing it would have caused him to lose me if I caught him, but he did it anyway. Feeling crushed and alone and defeated. Having to go to his place and get my stuff only to run into him, rehashing in person the entire ordeal. Him calling for days after, still wanting me back, but still unable to explain why he did it. The open wound that probably still hasn’t even closed completely.
I hate that all of this gets to me. I wish I could just shut it down, treat this past week like it was any other assortment of days, like today wasn’t some huge turning point in my life a year ago. But I can’t. And I resent that I’ve spent this week being dragged back into the emotional void I was in last year. Because I hate feeling like this, and I hate that I keep fucking up and getting him upset with me. I hate that I can’t talk to him about it because I won’t let my foolish pride do it because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m crazy or stupid or too much fucking drama. I hate feeling like I’m bipolar when I know I’m not just because of dates on a calendar. I just hate hate hate hate hate …. hate.
All I want is hugs. All I want is to curl up against Sir and have him stroke my hair while I cry, and tell me that it will be okay. That I’m not a huge fuckup, that I’m not an idiot, that I deserve better than people who will lie and deceive me. But here I am, alone. Story of my life.
So, in summary today I’m struggling with being:
- a failure
- a disappointment
- a burden
- an annoyance
- a flighty distraction
- a drama queen
- an emotional wreck
- numb
In summary, what I am proud of? Nothing at all.
February 6, 2009
… needy. I’m not exactly sure on how to be around Sir at times. Last night some emotional insecurities/baggage came up in conversation and it … well it wasn’t pretty. I got quite upset, both in a frustrated and teary kind of way. Then I found that I was getting more upset with myself than him for bringing it up because it just seemed to be getting worse and worse … so I felt like I was failing as a good pet, adding to the spiral and .. yeah. In the end I just asked to not talk anymore for that night because I recognized nothing would make it better. I’m just not sure how to deal with my baggage on my own without dragging him into it. This one was logical to talk to him about, since it was his behaviour that was triggering it, but I still would have preferred to not bring it up. How often can someone be questioned over the mistakes of others before they just get fed up?
I’m proud of …. well I’m not entirely sure right now. That I haven’t forgotten my anklet for the last few days? I guess it’s a minor thing, but it’s something.
February 5, 2009
.. it’s a double-edged sword. It appears the antibiotics that the second doctor gave me (yay!) might actually be working since my nose looks a little less swollen than yesterday, plus I can at least touch my glands without almost screaming in pain. Unfortunately the antibiotics give me a horrible headache, so I guess that’ll be my cross to bear.
I forgot to put my anklet on yesterday .. again. As Sir pointed out when I told him, this is the second time since my return that it has happened. I can completely understand his irritation about it. I know it is partly due to the fact that I am tripping out on meds, but there’s still no excuse really. It’s not as if this hasn’t been routine for months and should be programmed into my feeble brain by this time. It just bothers me because no matter how hard he comes down, or how disappointed he is with me, it seems to always pale in comparison to how bad I come down on myself.
On the other hand, I’m proud of myself for making a stand at work. I felt gross, and I felt I shouldn’t be there when I am contagious and can contaminate (a) other people, or (b) product. I talked to the nurse and my boss, and in the end reached an arrangement that gave me the chance to go see another doctor. I know having to do it during worktime is partially my fault because I slept all day (as advised by the first doctor to do), but I don’t like the idea of being a walking playground for germs. So I did what I needed to do for the better good, and for me. I’m starting to find I’m getting better at standing up for myself and saying ‘no’, or at the very least I do it in a more constructive/professional manner than before. I still believe this is an effect of my submission, but time will tell.
February 4, 2009
.. I am struggling VERY hard to stay in the submissive mindset. Then again I’m struggling very hard to not throw up or pass out, so yeah. Good times. I love doctors who misdiagnose because they’re too lazy to spend 10 minutes trying to find out the real problem and instead go with the generalized ‘viral infection get more sleep’ logic. It is very hard to be submissive and attend to all of your tasks when you feel like crap. As it was I asked Sir for reprieve from my assigned dinner last night because (1) it would have taken too long to make, too much energy I didn’t have, and (2) it was too solid that I probably couldn’t have eaten it. From the looks of it I’ll have to ask for another day’s reprieve. Bah.
As for being proud of myself, I guess the fact that I’m taking care of myself the best that I can. I know I’m still sounding like a whining child with Sir about how icky I feel, but I’m just so frustrated that I have to get it out somehow/somewhere. As much as I hate to have to do what I have to do to get better I have been doing it, so I’ll give myself credit for that instead of slacking off and letting things get worse. So I’ve been a good pet like that I suppose, trying to nurse myself better so I can be more attentive to him sooner vs. later.
February 3, 2009
.. other than the obvious of ill, ugh. Taking the first sick day in about two years. What will be will be I guess. I find (as lame as this will sound) that I am struggling with missing Sir. I literally want to spend every living breathing moment with him, and the inability to do so makes me rather blue at times. It’s an odd feeling, compared to my prior ones of just wanting to spend a lot of time, lol. I should start playing the lottery.
As another lame sounding response, I’m proud on how my submission is going. Sir and I had a nice talk about my last post in which we discussed the subject itself, but also where we both stood on it. As he stated he was really looking for a submissive partner, but has no aversions to that developing into a slave partner. I’m still not sure that I could ever classify myself as being a slave, but I can see tendancies starting to blossom in my personality. I do honestly think that he brings these out in me, and otherwise they would not be present. Or perhaps my tastes/wants/needs are evolving as my body does. Ho hum. Either way, I tend to like the way things are going.
February 2, 2009
… I’m struggling slightly with controlling my state of arousal. Meaning that I seem to be letting it decide where/when it’ll turn itself on and off. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but when Sir went to use me last night and I was not at all in the mood to play this annoyed me, especially since I had been horny and wanting to play most of the day. When I’m not in the mood I find that everything hurts in bad ways, plus no amount of stimulus will remove me from a state of being dry as a bone. Yay for Tiger Balm!
As for what I’m proud of … this is going to sound lame. But I asked Sir about what my D/s status on Fetlife should be put as (since it was blank). As he said he expected I would just set it to some random non-committed default (i.e. ‘don’t ask’ or ’submissive’), so he was a little surprised when I asked. So my status is now set as ‘owned’, and my little moment of pride is how well I am taking this. Maybe it’s the babysteps, the fact that it has been like this for months, but it’s not an everyday occurrence for me to make something like this .. public .. where my r/l friends/acquaintances can see it. I truly am a very private person, so though this may seem minor to most, it was a rather large leap for me. No freak outs = a good thing.
February 1, 2009
… slightly overwhelmed. I have a lot on my plate to get done over the next few days, primarily getting my apartment back in functional order. Plus Sir wants me to work on my travel blog, plus I need to write an actual blog entry today. Catch up with family and friends, gah! I need more hours in a day.
On the positive, I find the return to meal planning has helped to reinforce my place in my mind. I woke up today and started with organizing my photos, then jumped into making my grocery list right away. This list is looooong, I struggle at times to remember how meal planning is actually economical. But as Sir wants, Sir shall receive.. I’m sure it’ll be delicious either way.
