Procrastination

“Men are accomplices to that which leaves them indifferent.” – George Steiner

I have a test in the morning that I’m starting to believe I’m going to likely fail.  I lack the motivation to study for it, and even though I keep forcing myself to sit on the couch away from distractions something always happens to throw my attention off.

I must have the most perfectly filed nails on the planet now.

Also the cleanest floors.

The freshest smelling apartment (due to replacing the air freshners).

The smoothest hair.

The most hydrated body (inside and out).

…..

At times like these I really wish I had a Dominant to (literally) smack some sense into me.

Walk A Mile In Their Shoes

“Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing” – Aristotle

So part two of my task on criticism in bdsm was to write about proper tactics from the opposite view; being how does a Dominant administer criticism to a submissive? Again, like a submissive addressing a Dominant with concerns, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of documentation on this subject. This really is starting to trouble me a bit, that nothing appears to have been written on this topic for new people.

When discussing it with Sir, I jested that “well doesn’t the Dominant just slap their submissive across the face and yell ‘bad pet!’ to get the point across?”. But in a sense I know there are Dominants out there that actually use this as a form of practice. And I guess, depending on your dynamic it could be a good way of doing it. I’d just hate for that to be the expected standard and that every newbie that walks in thinks it’s common practice.

I guess for me there are two types of criticism that exist: constructive and destructive, and these pretty much are dictated in the manner of delivery. Say for instance the submissive hasn’t bathed that day, so the Dominant turns around and says “you smell like dirty pig, you disgust me”. Now what if instead they said “I notice you haven’t taken a bath today, perhaps it might be time to rectify this”. Completely different delivery, completely different type of criticism. Now, as mentioned earlier, I recognize the types of dynamics that people have, and for some the first option suits their flow. But for them majority, I’d think that the former delivery would be akin to a slap in the face.

I remember sitting down with my employees at work while I was still new in my job, and having to deliver some criticism to them. I can’t remember exactly what it was about but I do recall that it was like the third time in two weeks I had to sit down with them, and it wasn’t for the same thing but different aspects related to one event. And half way through the discussion the one threw his hands up in the air and made this exasperated noise. I asked what was wrong and he said “you know, it’d be nice for once to hear something positive. Not always ‘well this is how you guys fucked up today’. How about for once you try ‘you guys do a great job, but we need to discuss something’, you know, just so we don’t feel like complete crap and fuckups”. I felt horrible when he said that, and I find it kind of ironic because where my approach had never been to make them feel bad in raising the issues, his criticism of my technique was a total slap to the face. Exactly what I had been trying to avoid.

Since that issue I have actually tweaked my technique. Each month we have a team meeting and, for the most part unless it’s a pressing issue, I leave issues to be raised then. Because team meetings for my new group actually are quite positive experiences. So we start off with good news (i.e. team performance), then ease in some of the issues that need fixed, and finish off by my addressing outstanding concerns from the last meeting (i.e. things they have questions about that I have followed up on) . This way it starts on a positive note and ends on a positive note. And I can say with complete honesty that the improvements and response are infinitely better than my first tactic.

The reason for this story? Well I think that D/s can be kind of the same. I think sometimes we forget that we are talking to other people. Most people can take criticism, in moderated doses. I can take negative feedback, but so long as it’s not always negative feedback. Constructive criticism is always easier to swallow than the negative. I don’t expect Sir to always be calm and collected; I understand I am a pain in the ass and that he will lose his patience with me once in awhile. I think the issue is when keeps things inside until they burst out. Usually when this happens it’s a very tiny catalyst and it tends to knock me off my feet because I’m not expecting it. It’s one of those ‘where did that come from???’ situations that has you reeling. So in a sense I can understand now how he has felt when I would snap out of nowhere over something he didn’t see to be a problem, but I can also see how annoying it can be.

On a personal note, apparently my tolerance level with Sir’s ‘goofyness’ is lacking from his point of view. Sir is a very fun and somewhat laid-back person, and at times his behavior can be a little juvenile. And you know what? That’s fine, and it’s part of his personality that I enjoy so much. But sometimes I’m just not in the mood for it, like if I had a rough day at work or I’m feeling run down. Or sometimes his choice topic just hits a raw nerve and grates on it for me. So lately when this happens I’ve taken the silent approach, replying with a ‘mmmhmmm’ and trying to indicate that I don’t have any interest in the topic at hand. Sir views this as my being condescending or looking down on him, like I’m judging him for his behavior. Which I’m not; as I’ve said he’s entitled to his moods. So the other day when he was being extremely goofy and I wasn’t receptive to it, he rather took my head off. On one hand I understand his point, because he was in a good mood and just because I wasn’t I shouldn’t have ruined his. But I understand my perspective as well, being that you’re not going to love every little aspect of your partner, no matter what your dynamic. I guess I just took his lashing a little more personally because I was trying to not be snippy with him because of my mood so I was neutral, and even that attempt backfired in my face because I got ripped a new one because I wasn’t being the same. And instead of frustration over that one specific incident I got slammed with pent-up frustration from god knows how long, so much that it left me with a ‘wtf’.

I guess for me it, again, boils down to a basic respect issue. Approach your submissive how you would like to be approached. Errr, wait a minute … that’s not quite right, lol. I mean on a basis of respect. If you wouldn’t want your submissive to approach you and snap your head off, then don’t treat them that way. If Dominants view their submissives as this precious commodity, should we not regard our Dominants in the same way. And if our Dominants would like us to respectfully approach then from our position then I think the same respect should be given. Something akin to : ‘girl, I’ve noticed that ____ has been slipping a little lately, could you please be more attentive to this in the future’. Not a question or a request really, but more of a statement of authority. It’s not being overly harsh, not making the person feel like a reject or a disappointment, but at the same time pointing out the infraction and making it clear that future occurrences will not be tolerated.

I guess for me I’ve walked a mile in his shoes this week, so I understand where he has been when I have had my little fits of insecurity and/or frustration. And, in a sense, I think that helps me to understand it better. And since I view his tantrums as a negative experience and not something I wish to put up with much in the future, I can imagine he probably feels the same way about mine. I don’t know if that was his intent, but that was the message I received. And perhaps that’s what it takes — being in the other’s situation for a bit, or even trying to view things from their perspective. Putting on the submissive cap and saying ‘okay, now if -I- were a submissive, I would want my Dominant to raise an issue like this …’. I know a lot of Dominants would refuse to view this perspective, but I think it might be a positive exercise.

So in the end it all boils down to dynamics. If your dynamic is a constant 24/7 humiliation/degredation scene then sure, calling your submissive a ‘filthy whore’ and telling them they ‘disgust you’ might actually be the proper route to follow. Or if you’re in the middle of a scene, then maybe that might be the right approach. But I know that, for me at least, that’s not the best way of tackling a subject if you don’t want an emotional mess on your hands. I have insecurities and fear of failing, so having someone come down on me hard over something does nothing to ease those feelings. But at the same time I wouldn’t necessarily want a Daddy Dom situation where they are sitting there stroking my hair, cooing me and telling me that even though I made mistakes it’s okay and it doesn’t matter. Mistakes should matter, but I don’t think you should coddle or crucify the person for it. If your submissive makes a mistake acknowledge it, but don’t obsess over it. Raise the issue when it happens instead of suppressing it or dropping it on them when they least expect it. Be firm, but understanding of the fact that accidents do happen.

As we are expected to not forget our place, also keep your place in mind. The Dominant is supposed to be in control of themselves, the situation, and the submissive. It’s a lot of pressure, and I can understand how cracks appear and some break underneath it all. But we can break just as easily. I’m not suggesting anyone let it slide, but maybe I guess don’t make it seem like the end of the world if we forget to make the bed for one day because, odds are, we’ve already beaten ourselves up enough over the infraction. Or at least I do. The guilt I feel is horrible, so to have the wrath of the Sir come down upon me in full force doesn’t help the situation, lol. And Sir is pretty good about things like this. He expresses his displeasure that I failed in the task, but doesn’t obsess over it. He expresses ‘don’t let it happen again’, and usually it doesn’t (if it does it’s months later, and again usually a one-time thing). Or, I can be made to write about it, as with these tasks.

For a topic I struggled with at the start it certainly has become rather wordy. I guess I’ll finish my thought off here, being that a submissive should be humbled by their Dominant and a Dominant should be humbled by their submissive. Respect should go both ways. We will not adore and be eager to serve an ogre or a tyrant, but we will have no issues falling into step under a fair ruler. Food for thought.

Mind Matters

“To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.” — Buddha

Though I have a tasked writing assignment and a few other topics lined up already, I think I need a laidback generalized ‘what’s up’ post to fill up all the seriousness that’s been in my blog as of late. It’s getting too heavy (like my ass) and needs a bit of a break.

Body: I have a few days left of my oral antibiotics and then I am (hopefully) done. At this point I am just used to persistent stomach upset and feeling groggy. I think I’ve also come to accept that my birth control pills are never going to work at this rate since I’ve been on/off antibiotics twice now this year. Discussing the situation with Sir he says he’s quite okay with using condoms. We shall single-handedly destroy the environment with non-recyclable plastic products in the near future. The only odd thing right now is that my abdominal muscles are very very sore. I’m not sure why since I haven’t done any exercise, but they hurt like heck. If this is my biggest problem then that’s okay.

Mind: I’ve been feeling relatively stable (?) the last few days. That makes me sound nutters, which I’m not .. just insecure. Sir and I had a very long talk about this topic last night that actually made me feel a bit better. Though it is completely unapparent to anyone else I actually have made a very slight amount of progress in the ‘oh my god he’s cheating on me!’ field. When I told him about this he kinda laughed because apparently he just would never think of that stuff. But that’s me; I think outside the box

Sir (psychological): I’m continuously amazed at how my submission feeds off of Sir’s Dominance. As I’ve explained to him he has two personas in my mind: Sir, and himself. Sometimes when the dialogue stays too long in the ‘him’ mode I find I can’t just naturally switch to Sir-mode. However when he uses certain names for me (girl, slut, pet) they seem to immediately snap me over into a submissive mindset. The exception to this is ‘pretty girl’, which for some reason makes me happy but doesn’t make me feel submissive. He asked why and I couldn’t formulate a theory then, but I think I have an idea now — when I fell out of my submission a few months ago it is the one term that he continued to use regardless. Occasionally he still called me slut or whatso, but for the most part it was always ‘pretty girl’. So it seems like my brain has wired it as a non-D/s pet name. It can be used efficiently within the D/s mindset, but it won’t trigger that change as easily as the others.

Sir (physical): We haven’t seen eachother since my last-minute flight to visit him in Hawaii and we have both been itching for some time alone in person. We had been tossing around the idea of meeting in Vegas the weekend of my birthday (spanks anyone?) but never actually finalized it. I found out yesterday that I can get the time off, so now things seem to be flowing more into motion. Flights from his location and my location are pretty reasonable (especially from his end, which are usually around $900 return now being like $500-600). We had tossed around my visiting him in May and July, or him visiting me in May. But a small part of me is kind of greedy; it’s my 30th birthday and I’d like to do something different. I’m already planning to visit Sir in July/August, and we’ve talked briefly about the idea of him visiting here in the fall so the idea of meeting on a middle ground seems rather … logical.

I threw out the idea of him flying here and then us going on a roadtrip down to Philly or something, but call me selfish but we haven’t seen eachother in a few months. I want to spend time with him, not in a car on highways/interstates for 4-6 hours at a time. Vegas is something we have both always wanted to do but never had an excuse, so it seems like a good buffer. So I have to figure out hotels and activities so we can start booking stuff, since it’s like a month away (eeps!).

Also on my plate is the ticket to visit Sir in July. Originally my plan was to visit from the 25th of July until August 3rd. Tickets have been steadily around the $850-$900 mark for the round trip, which I don’t have an issue with paying. But one of the carriers that I would deem more reliable (and is Canadian actually) actually implemented a huge fare drop that sees my ticket dropping to $630 (and this same ticket was almost $2000 last week). The only catch is I have to reschedule the trip from the 27th until August 6th. In a sense I actually gain an extra day with him this way, since I leave 2 days later than planned but come back 3 days later. But now I would have to use 3 extra vacation days that I hadn’t planned on, which means I would only have 7 left to last me the rest of the year. So extending the trip might save me money now, but might leave me short on time for other visits.

Tasks/Training: Haven’t really faltered. Sir seems to be having a bit of fun assigning specific topics to write about so that I can ‘think’ on certain areas that I might normally just gloss over. This is all fine except they are usually ones with which I have limited knowledge, which is the point I guess so I learn about them. But at the same time they also seem to be things that don’t have a lot of resources laying around to help me. So they are becoming quite the challenge. As for training, specifically anal, it’s still on hiatus until the pills are done and I can resume my ‘routine’ cocktail of about 7 pills. At least it stabilizes things. Sir has mentioned however that he wants me to get another plug, a larger one. Plus, since the loose plan was for him to give me birthday spanks and then fuck my ass I’m going to need a more practical enema kit. So I have to find and put an order in for these this week in order to make sure they arrive before my trip. Whew.

I truly am a busy little sub-bee.

Silence Is Golden

“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” – Frank A. Clark

I was tasked with writing up a post on how to appropriately raise issues with your Dominant, in a manner that is polite and respectable. This essentially means that it’s not coming off as harsh criticism, nor as whining, like a three year-old child throwing a temper tantrum.

Here’s my approach: when I notice something is slipping, or lacking, or an issue is starting to arise and I’m starting to feel off balance, I like to nip it before it becomes a larger thorn and results in larger issues. I try to approach Sir in a neutral tone, stating what I think is off-kilter and that it is an observation, not a huge issue, but something of which I wanted to make him aware. I am calm, (generally) not upset, and trying to not be aggressive or start a fight. This is how the dialogue comes across from my side.

From his side I am whining, and making an issue of something that is not an issue. When bringing up issues I am implying that he’s not paying attention or openly neglecting how he is doing things. I am criticizing his ability as a Dominant, which makes him defensive. From his point of view.

Who’s right, who’s wrong. I really don’t know and I don’t care anymore. All I know is I am tired of trying to raise a concern that I have, generally being some way in which my needs are not being met, and having my head snapped off about it. And I guess he’s tired of the same situation, hence this assignment of a specified topic. So I’ve searched online, through website after website. I’ve gone through my limited bdsm library trying to find something, nada. I went into chatrooms and asked what others think might be the appropriate way to convey a concern, and no one really had a definitive answer.

Which makes me wonder, is this something that the community just tends to gloss over?

I’ve never been a believer in the silent submissive where they never say anything that is not peachy-keen smiling-happy-people. To me that is more of a slave, which I am not. Plus I think it is not healthy to keep your concerns and woes all bottled up. I am a typical ‘binge and purge’ kinda girl (as ‘h’ dubbed me years ago), meaning that I usually notice a problem and say nothing, then let it keep building up inside me, eating me alive, until I finally just snap and then every.little.thing that has ever bothered me comes pouring out into this beautiful chaos. And Sir was getting sick of this, so I tried to change my approach, being that now when I notice something that’s starting to rub me the wrong way, or something that I think is going to get worse, I mention it to him then instead of letting it fester.

Problem is that apparently mentioning trends comes across as criticism. Sir feels that I am constantly raising issues, which is wearing at him. And I understand where he is coming from, I sincerely do because if he was coming at me on a weekly basis saying ‘okay girl, I’m happy but for this little thing ….’ yeah it would wear away at me. But at the same time, I think you can’t just ignore what the person is saying.

So what exactly is the magical words and procedure in addressing your Dominant with issues? In a community that seems to have a failsafe for most things, I find it ironic that this has never been addressed. It makes me wonder if it falls under the stereotype that a submissive is seen and used, but not really heard. That a submissive is there to attend to the needs of the Dominant, and in that sacrificing anything they may need in the process. It almost feels like a double standard. If the Dominant is supposed to view the submissive as this valued pet, as this thing to which they shape and invest time and effort, should that not also include emotional/mental growth and stability? Hrmmm.

I acknowledge that there are Dominants like this out there in the community, and unfortunately these types are not for me. I don’t believe Sir to be of this type but I will admit he does have a certain degree of arrogance, which I think is why when I say things that he perceives as complaints or criticisms he tends to get his back up. And I carry a great amount of stubbornness, and I am sort of out of my element, so if I raise a concern and he just dismisses it as my being ‘drama’ or ‘making something out of nothing’ it tends to hurt my feelings. For every one thing I bring up there are like five others that I don’t, so I tend to stick to my guns if it’s something I am genuinely concerned about.

Either way, I think this is going to be my new approach: ‘hi Sir. Things are getting a little messy in my head because ___ is happening, could we please discuss and/or do something to address the situation?’. I’m not sure exactly how else I can word it and still come across as being polite and respectful, and yet firm so he takes the issue seriously. It truly does boggle my mind, and I have spent hours upon hours trying to figure this out in my head. At times like these I really do start to question my abilities as a submissive. Maybe I’m too modern in my thoughts. I guess for me a good D/s relationship needs a proper foundation; you need a base in which you are both equals, recognized as partners in order to have the proper trust and respect. And I guess if you disregard the needs of your partner you aren’t really treating them as an equal. If there isn’t a balance I don’t understand how the dynamic is expected to function without issues. It’s a give and take, and, as I said, balanced. I understand the philosophy is the Dominant takes and the submissive gives, but I never really viewed it that way regardless. The Dominant gives through their knowledge, their patience, and their attentiveness to the needs of their submissive.

As Sir likes to say, if you break your toys you can’t play with them later. I guess I’m just finding that I’m feeling broken a lot of the time lately. And I understand that he feels the same way. And I’m willing to meet him in the middle and try and figure out a way in addressing stuff, but I guess I just wish he didn’t take it all so personally. If I didn’t care I would just keep my mouth shut and shrug it off. But I do care, and I do want things to run smoothly, which is why I say things. I guess I whine because I care *shrugs*, as messed up as that might sound.

Back To Square One

le sigh ….

So I got up yesterday and found that my nostril felt like it was burning. Assuming the worst I checked in the mirror and noticed it was red and slightly swollen. I figured it was probably a staph infection, but with no gland discomfort, no ear ache, no overall feelings of unease I may have been wrong …

… nope.

At least I nipped it in the butt at the start this time before it got too far along. By the end of my shift this morning my glands were starting to feel a little tender and the swelling had increased, but minimally. A visit to a walk-in clinic and I am now the proud owner of oral antibiotics and a topical cream.

The doctor insisted on giving me the same prescription as last time, so I asked if he could give me something milder since it screwed up my intestinal tract last time. No dice. He doesn’t want to chance it since this is the second time in little over a month I’ve had this infection. So I guess I’m essentially back at the start again. No anal training for me. Poop … literally.

P.S. No this is not an April Fools — I really do have another staph infection lol.

For the Sake of Sodomy

“If sex is a pain in the butt, you’re doing it wrong.” – unknown

So I figured I was overdue for an update of sorts on the anal situation. In summary, the anal situation is this:

Essentially — nothing. On a steady diet of Acidophilus, B12, and Metamucil I seem to be back to normal. At least I am back to regular food and no longer proceeding with the BRAT diet. Last weekend I decided to test things out by ceasing all three supplements at once and oy, I learned a valuable lesson. Granted my situation was still less severe than it was a month ago, but it’s indicated my body is still not in peak shape. But no worries; I don’t mind the acidophilus and the B12. I actually need the B12 since I have pernicious anemia and have been slacking on taking them daily, so if anything this whole fiasco might have been a good thing (silver lining and all that jazz).

As for the Metamucil, I started it as per puppyprincess’ suggestion as a means of being more clean for anal training. I bought the orange powder and, though okay in texture, I found very very sweet. Plus I was starting to get sick of drinking the same thing every day before work. But no more! Today I picked up containers of the pink lemonade and berry flavors. These are also sugar free, which I hope will make it a little easier to swallow (pardon the pun). I just tried the pink lemonade flavor and it is delicious! So at least this way I can rotate around the flavors so it’s not the exact same taste each day. Though I probably have enough for the next five months now .. O_o

I also picked up some organic psyllium fiber husks at a bulk food store in town. I saw it there and made a mental note to come back and buy some, but apparently she is closing her doors next week. So I decided to buy a container; I might try drinking that with pulpy orange juice on the weekends and see if I can manage it. Otherwise I’m sure there’s a way to sneak them into oatmeal or muffins.

So now that things seem a little more .. balanced .. I’m toying with the idea of getting back into my training. Right now it seems the interest is somewhat dismal, but it’s not something I’m completely against. I think it’s a situation where I could live with or without it. If I were to get back into it, the coming week would be a rough time to start with being on an alternate schedule. I’m likely to be crabby and irritable because my sleep and routine itself will be all over the place. Throwing enemas and sodomy in there are likely not going to contribute and make it a ‘pleasurable’ experience. I also seem to be rather stretched thin and tired lately between work, the gym, household issues, and trying to squeeze some fun things into there. I’m wondering if I have the time or energy to even focus on this. It sucks because ultimately I do want myself anally prepared for the next time I see Sir, but that only leaves me a few months ….

I guess it’ll work itself out in the end.

New Year’s End

“The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.” – Christopher Hitchens

So new year, new tasks.  Sir appears to have (finally) come to the decision that I am ready for my task list to be broadened to include new tasks.  One of the first ones is my daily thoughts, in which I am to identify one thing that I feel I am struggling with, and one that I feel I am excelling in.  This will be a great tool imho because it gives me the opportunity to communicate concerns without sounding critical, and also allows for me to focus on one thing that I am doing well.

The second new task is that he’s looking at taking over is my eating habits .. to an extent.  Yesterday I emailed him a list of 12 possible dinners, and he chose from those and associated those to specific days during the next week.  Lunch for me is usually leftovers from the night before, so that solves that.  Breakfast and snacking are still under my control.  I was intending to take up meal planning in the new year regardless, so this didn’t feel like a huge struggle for me.  However we’ll see how it fairs this week when I crave one food, but am required to eat another.

And the last task, which is commencing today — anal training.  We have been discussing this one for months.  Sir doesn’t -need- to have an ass for use, but does enjoy it.  For this reason he hasn’t been overly pushy about this one (which I greatly appreciate).  However I was tasked with making my purchases this weekend, which were four things:  (1) a long, slim plug; (2) a short, thicker plug; (3) an enema kit, and (4) lube.  I took a very quick trip to the city to fulfill my list.  Unfortunately I was only able to procure a few items due to limited availability.  I did end up with a long, slim plug, but not the shorter stubbier version because they had nothing available in silicone.  I have very stupid and awkward sensitivities to plastics and rubbers, to the extent that I cannot use standard condoms (only polyurethane) nor wear latex gloves.   I had a vibe once that caused very nasty side effects due to its material (jelly/rubber).  So when buying toys I have to be very selective.

On the plus side, at least we found a short, stubby model online that will suit the purpose (luv buds) that I should be ordering shortly if all goes well.  As for lube, I found an all-natural water-based one that will work, and I was able to get an enema kit at a pharmacy.  I think the thing that amazed me the most during the shopping excursion was how calm I was.  I figured I’d be embarassed and be blushing furiously while making my purchases, but surprisingly I was very calm and controlled.  I got frustrated at times, being unable to find what I wanted, and being unsure what I needed exactly, it was a bit of a struggle.  Sir was very patient with my phone calls asking for help, or if what I was purchasing was okay.  As I told him I wasn’t really stressed, but almost in a sense I felt shell-shocked.  I felt very detached and numb, which caught me offguard.  I assumed I’d be a mess when the time came to buy all of these things.  Instead I just found myself rather dazed as I drove home.

The transition from casual conversation to physical ownership of the tools required tended to cause my brain to shift from one of comfort to slight timidity.  Sir told me that the next day (today) I would be giving myself an enema.  This was the first one of my life, and having never seen/done it I had no clue what to expect.  Communicating this to him, I felt refreshed to wake up with a link from him describing what was to come.  I googled a few sites to get step-by-step instructions, then feeling somewhat confident of what I was about to undertake I went to it.

My first mistake was that I think I was reading sites that were performing enemas as part of a cleanse, not cleaning.  Because of this I inadvertantly used about 3/4 of a full bag of water.  There was mild cramping, so I would pause along the way to allow for it to settle (as the sites had directed).  After a few moments I would resume until I reached a state of discomfort and where I felt like I would explode.  There was absolutely -nothing- pleasant about this part of the experience.  Knowing I’m supposed to hold it for about 5 minutes I buckled after only 1.  What followed had to be one of the most disgusting experiences of my life.  I don’t know how to romanticize the experience of feeling like you are pissing out your ass.  So there it is, brutal but accurate.  It just felt so odd … and very sporatic.  It was each time I thought I was done, stood up and took two steps away, next thing I knew I was running back to the toilet.   Not altogether too pleasant an experience.

My concern with the whole process was in the fact that my ass did not seem clean.  I felt empty, but not clean.  I discussed it with Sir and he said it was likely I used too much water along with not enough of a wait time for things to settle.  For this reason I wasn’t actually clean, just flushed out.  After about a half hour of wait I asked Sir if I should maybe try doing it again.  He agreed it would be good, plus it would help me get used to the sensation.  This time I used a lower flow and only half a bottle of water.  The effect was a lot different.  Less cramping, less overall discomfort.  I stood in the shower, reading ingredient labels on my shampoo and body washes to pass the time as it settled.  When it appeared that about 5 minutes had passed I casually sat down on the toilet and let things happen as they should.  I grabbed a magazine and didn’t rush the process, instead not thinking about it.  This seemed to make the entire task easier.  And though, in the end I wasn’t -perfectly- clean, it was definitely a significant improvement.

I told Sir this and he suggested I could try a third time if I wanted.  I had to bow out of that option since my ass felt very raw and sore.  As I was sliding the nozzle in the second time I noticed it was very tender, but the worst part of it done I proceeded.  A third time just … was not an option.  I think I’m coming to accept that an ass will never be 100% clean, and that my current state is somewhat acceptable to me.  However, it does reinforce my belief that I really could not swallow the idea of Sir putting his cock in there bare.  Knowing that doing -two- enemas still did not get me clean to my satisfaction level .. yeah.  Germ-phobe and fecal-matter-phobe I am.

So in the end, I actually kind of enjoyed my enema.  I openly admit that I love the empty feeling that comes with it.  The experience as a whole was not nearly as mortifying as I thought it would be.  I assume that doing it on my own has something to do with this, because had Sir been here watching me expel … well you get the point.  I’m pretty sure that would have been rather humiliating for me.  So babysteps apparently are working out for me.

As for plugging … well, hrmmm.  Sir said we were going to wait a few hours (which is good according to what I read since it allows the ass to re-lubricate itself … *shudders*), and then I had errands to run.  And now he has errands he is running.  However, apparently when he gets home I’m going to have to accept the inevitable and succumb to my ass being like Poland.  On the plus side, his plans include for me to be dual plugged combined with nipple play.  In this regard, I cannot see how I won’t enjoy it.  It really did surprise me that I enjoyed the enema though.  The feeling of being filled with water wasn’t completely comfortable, but not uncomfortable either.  Plus, as mentioned, I like this feeling of being empty.  As I pointed out to him, it’s ironic that I am very satisfied with the feeling of being empty when he is so convinced I will love the feeling of being filled, lol.  Either way, it has been an interesting weekend to say the least.

Something I Can Live Without

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your mind off your goals.” – Anonymous

I found that today’s quote rather ‘hit the nail on the head’ for me with this current topic of thought.  I find myself back in my apartment, curled up on the couch with my laptop and a cup of coffee, and with this familiarity is the overwhelming urge to write.  I didn’t have a topic picked, but one rather fell into my lap …

With the new year comes new training, and Sir has reminded me of his desire to have me anally trained so that I can service him on multiple levels.  I don’t have an issue with this as a general scheme, but I do have reservations about the training process itself.  The main reason I am not into anal is because I don’t find it to be a particularly hygenic process.  You are talking about shoving a cock into an area which is, essentially, your body’s sewage system.  It is filled with bacteria and waste residue .. and you want to put your cock into that??  It boggles my mind.  I know a lot of people are into it because it’s taboo, because it can be humiliating, because its muscles make it tight, but from a scientific level I just want to scream out ‘why?!?!’.

When discussing this process with Sir, I stated off the bat the same rule I had with my exes:  if you go in the back, it’s not going in the front or the head for about a month.  It’s not a tactic designed to dissuade, but it’s just my icky factor.  I know you can do enemas, but really would that get rid of every little bit?  I doubt it.  So there will still be poop juices all over the skin on the cock and …. *gags*.  Not sanitary.  Being a girl that greatly appreciates cock, loving the feel and sensation of being filled by one, or suckling one in her mouth .. ahem, either way I wouldn’t want to deprive myself of his cock as well.  My way around the situation was using a condom; this way even after an enema there wouldn’t be the risk of stray poop drops clinging to his penis.  Naturally he wasn’t against the idea, but wasn’t exactly for the idea either.  I mean, part of the process is the whole sensation I’m sure.  But what other options do you have when the reservations of the person are not based upon the idea of trauma and hurt, but are more based off of a hygiene level?  You’re somewhat limited, and unfortunately it’s not a fear I foresee myself getting over anytime soon.

But back to the training process itself.  I have a shopping list that Sir has provided me with, consisting of : (1) a narrow but longer butt plug, (2) a shorter, stubbier plug, and (3) an enema kit.   Each of these plugs are to be designed for beginners because he wants me to get used to having something in there, plus he wants me to figure out what size/shape/fullness I prefer.  He seems to assume that I’ll enjoy larger vs. smaller, but I think that might be wishful thinking on his part.

I’m honestly not completely sure where I stand on the anal training.  I feel like it would be one thing for me to be going through the process with him beside me, guiding me through it.  However I feel like it’s another one entirely for me to be physically on my own and doing this.  I know there are pros and cons, such as I’ll probably get over the humiliation of the enema process easier being on my own than having to do it for the first time with him watching.  But then I still have to deal with shoving these things in my ass, knowing that I’m doing this to myself.  I wonder if I might grow to develop some resentment towards the process if I do not enjoy the sensation of being plugged.   In my mind it is one thing to have someone do it to you, but another for you to do it to yourself.  Even working off the logic that he is the one telling me to do it, I still carry the option to stop the process before it begins.

So my goal is to be prepared for whatever way in which he chooses to use my ass.  My obstacle is the objects I actually have to put in there to prepare.  I really don’t know how to feel about the entire process, but I guess time will tell.  This something I want, not something he is pushing me into, which makes the situation a little different for me.  Sir has stated on numerous occasions that, though he does like ass play, he is okay without it due to my reasons for not participating.  So this whole process of trying to warm myself up to it is really my own doing.

I should really stop blogging about the process of shoving things in my ass.  It’s procrastination at the purchasing of said items.  I think this means I need lube too, oh dear … O_o

Letting Creative Juices Flow

“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.” – Mary Lou Cook

So as a general update things have been going pretty good.  I won’t dare tempt the fates by using terms such as ‘splendid’ or ‘amazingly’, and will instead be very modest and say that things are going -good-.  We’re pretty much back to where we were a month ago, which suits us both very well.  The tingles and thrills, the little rushes and knots in the stomach, they’re all back.  It’s nice that we’ve returned to our regularly scheduled program, so to speak.

Last night however, he asked me a question:  he was aroused and wanted stimulation from me, thus asked me to describe the scene to him.  I found myself drawing a complete blank, in a sense.  I had a vague image in my brain, but I couldn’t figure out how to translate it into words.  Everytime I tried to describe it I found myself struggling until I eventually gave up on that idea entirely and tried another one.  Even then though, I found the words coming out my mouth to sound lame, repetitive like every other visualized scene in the history of existence.  It frustrated me greatly, and it also make me be quite disappointed by myself since I had just revealed one of my major character flaws to him.

I have no imagination.  Like seriously, zilch.  When masturbating I don’t think of anything; I focus completely on the sensations at the time.  I don’t dream often, and when I do they are usually pretty strange.  I -very- rarely fantasize about things, and when I do it’s probably only a few times per year.  Oh yes, they could be counted on both hands.  Thus, when it is put forth to me to visualize and describe something I tend to struggle pretty hard with it because it’s just not how I’m wired.

I think the irony about this is that I know I’m a pretty decent writer.  By no means do I carry the impression I’m worthy of a Pulitzer, or that I should quit my day job in order to pursue a career as a writer.  Far from it.  But I do know that when I sit down to put thoughts to paper I generally succeed.  This however is based on the fact that when this does happen I’m usually in the mood, and indulging a random thought that goes through my head.  If I try to write when I’m not in my ‘zone’, then I generally find it to fall flat.  Blogging tends to be the exception to this since it’s just free-form, expressing thoughts that I have knowingly had for extended periods of time.  Even if there is a specific topic to a post, it’s because I’ve had enough thoughts going through my head on the subject to formulate an entire post from it.  If I try to push myself to think about something too hard, I draw blanks.

When in university I wrote for a paper, but like blogging, that’s more non-fiction than anything that would require the imagination process to be undertaken.  You read things, interpret them, summarize.  It’s essentially a regurgitation that has your opinions and views weaved into it.  It didn’t require much thought, hence why I excelled at it.  When I would write short stories I frequently got praise and good marks in school, but they were always -short-, so just enough that I could extend my thought as far as it would go before I would reach the point of struggling too hard.

For this I’m very critical of myself.  Whenever I have sat down and written something over the past five years, something fictional, it generally is a spur-of-the-moment thing.  It’s not something I’ve forced myself to sit down and focus on.  Like non-fiction, the thoughts are already formulated in my head, so I’m just putting them to paper.  But even then, I find I’ve become very shy about my words.  I guess I worry about judgement, or being viewed as silly or amateur.  The whole notion of pouring your thoughts into something only to be mocked for them is rather disheartening.  So though I do write on occasion now, I typically keep it private, not even showing it to the closest of friends.

Now here’s where it gets messy when I’m asked to talk/write about dirty thoughts.  Considering I struggle with common thoughts, yet alone those centralized into an area I never really put my mind to begin with .. it’s hard.  It’s not that I’m a prude, I just don’t find my mind wandering into areas of perversion very often.  When I’m face to face with someone and a thought crosses my mind, I will tell them then and there, or merely act upon it.  But to just randomly be asked to envision something perverted?  Well, I just can’t.

I have similar issues with orgasm control, being that I am not able to just spontenous be aroused.  I can’t get wet at a sound or specific word, nor can I control my orgasms enough to cum as told, or to hold myself on that edge without falling over.  It seems as if my brain is simply not wired for spontaneity or control, and I do despise it terribly.  It makes me feel as if my potential as a submissive is limited, like at some point this forward motion of the dynamic is merely going to stall.  It’s not for lack of want, but it’s just something I worry might be out of my control.

When I asked him the other day what he would like for xmas that would be a non-monetary item, of all things in the world he could have chosen he selected a piece of erotic fiction.  I don’t think he realized how much he was asking for from me when he selected that, but I guess in a sense it will be a gift of value when given.  I know it will be a huge struggle for me since I’m so critical of myself, and I’ll likely dislike whatever it is that I create greatly, but I’ll try nonetheless.  I wonder if it might be possible to poke at your brain, to motivate it to think along certain lines, train it in a sense.  Maybe forcing myself to think dirty thoughts on a nightly basis might help the situation.

Forget the philosophy “there is no place like home”.  Transplant that instead with “there’s no place like on my knees with your cock in my mouth”, and maybe it might get you somewhere.

The Rules Revisited

“You’ll always be my whore, because you’re the one that I adore ..” – The Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore)

I have always loved that song, and it was a particularly refreshing thing to wake up to my alarm blasting.  Usually I catch a song midway through, but today it was at the start.  I think it helped to put me in the proper mindset for what I was asked to do today, which was to blog about a conversation Sir and I had last night.

So last night Sir and I had a discussion in regards to the rules that have been put in place for my submission to him.  I don’t think I’ve ever actually listed them in this journal, only hinted at what they may be.  Maybe it’s time I list them, in Coles notes form, as to have a web-version available should I ever be without my laptop.

- bedtime:  curfew is 4:30am for weeknights, weekends tbd.  Should I be unable to fall asleep then I should spend the time usefully by focusing my thoughts on him as my Top, or reading relevant material, blogging, or writing him an email.

- permission is always to be asked before leaving his presence, just as entering his presence I am to approach him.  Permission must also be obtained for the following things: consuming alcohol, going out with friends (exception: work/family events, or if Sir is unavailable I am to make a sound judgement call), orgasms in general, and any type of activity that involves another party (cuddling, kissing, sexual congress with others)

- daily expectations:  he will choose my undergarment colors and scent daily (if unavailable, go with neutral black/white and plain vanilla and email must be sent to him stating what was chosen), bed must be made daily before leaving for work, write in journal at least three times per week, and my cell phone must be fully charged and with me at all times for contact purposes.

All in all, my rules seem pretty simplistic.  I know I have it easy compared to a lot of submissives out there, and for that I’m grateful.  It’s sensible to be starting off with these as a foundation, and with time I’m sure more will be added.  And other than the few odd hiccups (forgetting to make the bed once, and having a drink to only remember half way through that I didn’t ask first) there have been no issues with them.

Then Saturday hit, and after a day of shopping I went out with a friend for dinner.  I was distracted in conversation and when the waitress stopped by to take our order my friend ordered a drink, then looked at me and said ‘well?  What are you trying?’.  I drew a blank and picked the first thing that caught my gaze and closed the menu, only moments later remembering the rule about alcohol.  I texted Sir as soon as I had a second asking for permission, but 5 minutes, 10 minutes, no reply.  The waitress puts the drink on the table and my friend tries hers, then states she wants to try some of mine.  I say go ahead and push it towards her.  She looks at me puzzled and asks if I’m going to try it myself.  I check my phone again, then mumble I need to go use the washroom.  From there I call Sir and ask if he received my text.  He says he did not, so I verbally ask if it’s okay for me to have a drink.  He says yes, and I return to dinner with my friend, sipping away.

This situation raised a concern in my mind — what am I to do if I cannot reach him?  I know the logical course of action is to do nothing at all rather than break the rules.  But what happens when you’re with people who know you, and know your habits?  I’m a very private person when it comes to my personal life, especially when I am involved with someone.  So my friends and family (for the most part) are unaware of my kink, and I prefer it that way.  And sometimes it feels like the things we practice can raise flags with people, so it made me wonder.

When I raised my concerns with Sir he seems a little annoyed, like he got the impression I was trying to get out of having to do things.  I think sometimes he fails to understand exactly how much this entire process with him is enriching my life.  With him I am exploring new things and pushing boundaries that I erected with no intention of ever touching.  He makes me think of things in different ways, and see a different side of myself that otherwise has never been active.  I have someone with whom I get to finally see just what I can be, and for that I’m very appreciative.  This is why when I feel like I’ve done something that displeases or disappoints him I tend to get into these ruts.   My personality is very much the type that would rather suffer in silence than inconvenience someone else (except at work, in which case I am very vocal ironically), so for me to bring this up with him was a huge deal.  Having the impression that my being forthcoming about my concerns annoyed him put me in a bad mood in which I felt like nothing I did was right.  Essentially, being honest put me in a bad bad place.

Talking it through with Sir, I think we ended up clearing everything up.  We ended up coming to a compromise in which if he is unavailable it is up to me to make a logical decision on what I will do based on what I believe he would want me to do.  It is, as he reminded me, a great deal of responsibility, and I will have to live with the consequences of my actions if I decide wrong.  It’s a tremendous amount of pressure, and hopefully I’ll never be in the situation to have to do this, but I have confidence I would do him right in my decision.  I’m sincerely trying with my entire being, not trying to pussy out of things.  But at the same time I’m having a hard time working out a level balance between my private and my public life.  Is it bad that I want to keep the two segregated?  My life with Sir, and my everyday life?  I feel like I’m being selfish, but at the same time I feel it’s a form of self-preservation.  It makes me worry at some point there is something that will arise where my common sense will overpower my desire to submit.  I wish I could be the person who throws themselves thoughtlessly into it, agreeing to everything presented to them.  But it’s just not me.  I want to give all that I can, all that he wants to take, but not at the risk of destroying everything around me.  My, that does sound selfish indeed. :/

Another issue he raised is that he gets the impression that I feel pressured to drink when around friends.  I started to argue that this wasn’t true, but now that I think it through maybe it does have a sliver of truth to it.  Normally I cannot drink much when out with friends because I have to drive, but if everyone else is drinking I might have one drink (but no more than two).  On the rare occasion when I have a ride home I’ll be more likely to drink more.  Because I’m a rather hermit-like creature and I don’t like the idea of drinking at home by myself, usually if I’m in a social situation where people I’m with are drinking I will do so as well.  Yes, it’s partly peer pressure.  But I don’t drink every time I go out.  In fact, I don’t drink a lot of the time.  I think it depends on whom I’m surrounded with.  He talked of possibly telling me he didn’t want me to drink when I went to a particular person’s place.  I said I didn’t think it was fair because there is tequila there, good tequila, and I like tequila.  Why that particular place?  Not for any specific reason, just to alleviate the social pressure from me.  It confused me and I got somewhat defensive at the idea of removing even the ability to decide for myself whether I wanted to ask for permission or forgo alcohol all together that night.  He pointed out though, that it would solve my problem about worrying of not getting through.  Which is true, I suppose.

And I suppose he’s also right about about the peer pressure aspect.  I did after all get completely smashed on Saturday night, mainly due to the fact that everyone around me was drinking heavily.  When shot rounds were going on I did not bow out.  Did I need them?  Not really since I was already pretty wasted.  However, I did bow out of smoking weed when a few people tried to talk me into it so I’m not entirely sure that my ability to say no is completely unstable.  I guess I will have to think this over some more and probably add it to my list of ‘things to sort out in my head’.