A Fine Balancing Act

“Truly successful decision making relies on a balance between deliberate and instinctive thinking.” – Malcolm Gladwell

An interesting conversation was had on the weekend where I came to realize I’ve almost altogether stopped blogging.  Everywhere.  All the time.  This made me kind of sad.

Then I realized the last post I wrote in this blog was about coming out of the kink-closet, in which I never actually filled in what happened after the bomb was dropped.  Silly me.

So I had a talk with him shortly after the post went up.  I asked him if he wanted to grab breakfast, which we did and I didn’t say anything.  Then we did some errands, to which I never said anything.  Only once we got back to his place did I finally suck up the fact that I had to tell him.  And I opened my mouth to tell him, and nothing came out.

I’m not going to go into detail about how the conversation went, because it was rather painful.  Or at least, painful for me, and I assume painful for him to watch me struggling through it.  He didn’t say much, other than he was trying to digest everything that was being thrown at him.  He admitted he didn’t know much about it, but he wasn’t against the idea of it either.

The end result?  Well we’re still together and it’s almost four months later.

He has been completely amazing in adapting to something new and unfamiliar to him.   And I’ve tried my best to meet him in the middle on a lot of things so that my needs are still being satisfied, without dragging out any of the really heavy toys … yet.

For D/s – we discovered a common love of wrestling, and an association of it being excellent foreplay.   He gets off on pinning me down so I’m immobile, and the sex afterwards is usually some of the best we’ve had.  He also is quite natural at the objectification stuff – I honestly think some of his new hobbies include perfecting pearl necklaces and pulling his cock out and shoving it in my face.  Or in my mouth.    I’ve noticed his terminology has changed significantly; while he doesn’t hesistate in calling me cutie (his favorite nickname), he also doesn’t hesistate in calling me a cumwhore or a dirty little slut.  He also has no issue with marking/declaring his territory.   If only I marked easier ….

For s/m – he’s quite the budding sadist.  I swear he actually enjoys hurting me.  I understand stuff like that isn’t a switch that is easily flipped – you can’t take someone who was raised on the mentality that ‘you don’t hurt girls’ and suddenly tell them ‘hey, it’s okay because I like it, so please slap/pull/twist/etc at will’.  Since coming out of the metaphorical ‘closet’, I’ve noticed he bites a lot more often and harder, my nipples ache on a regular basis, and he’s even getting into spanking (without my prompting).  While his hands are working their way into my hair more often while he’s mouthfucking me, it’s not the gripping/pulling that I usually enjoy.

On the bondage front – well, no headway there, but I’m not missing it that much.

On social activities – I extended an invitation that he’s welcome to come with me anytime if he so desires, but he seems to respect my decision to go to munches.  He’s acknowledged that he trusts me, and that’s why he’s fine with me going alone.  He always makes it a point to send me messages here and there, and asks how things went, but never in that overbearing or self-conscious manner.  I have noticed he puts extra effort into leaving marks on the day before munches though, just so everyone’s on the same page.

The morale of the story?  Well, it wasn’t all that bad.  Our sex life is abundant and very satisfying;  I’m regularly jizzed upon and cervically raped.   While I recognize he’ll never be ‘UberDom’, I also recognize that not what I need.   I need someone who’s desires match mine, and that’s pretty much what I’ve been getting.  Will it work forever?  Maybe.  Am I going to stress about it?  Nope.  Time will tell.

In the meantime, he seemed surprised I let this blog die so badly when I mentioned it last night.  “Well”, I said, “I suppose I could write in it about the sex that we’ve been having”.  “And being jizzed on?”, he asked.  “Yes!”, I replied.  We then proceeded to sit there and talk about what we felt was some of the hotter sex we’ve had.

Food for thought – might have to blog about these things when they’ve been kinkified.  More often than not mayhaps.

How To Come Out of the Closet

So I have painted myself into a lovely little corner of denial from which I might possibly be unable to escape.

I’ve started dating a man who, at first apperances, seemed completely vanilla and utterly submissive.  But a few months into it, I’m starting to have second thoughts about my original judgment.

After a few carefully placed suggestions, he’s exceeded my expectations when it comes to breast pain.  At first it was a few simple tweaks, but now it’s a rare moment to not find him pulling and twisting them mercilessly.  Pain is so delicious, and I’ve missed it very much.

In terms of sex, it’s become more aggressive and possessive.  His natural desire to take what he wants from me sexually and force me into having orgasm after orgasm, to take me in positions that he feels ‘dominate’ me, and indulge in his voyeuristic tendancies.  He shares in my viewpoint that a  man cumming on a woman is akin to marking his territory.  He also is quite happy in letting me play with his cock as much as my heart desires (which never seems to be sated in his case).

So what’s the issue, right?

Well, I haven’t exactly told him yet that I’m kinky.  And I’m not exactly sure how to go about this.

It’d be a different situation if we’d only had sex once or twice.  If we’d only been on a few dates.  If we barely knew eachother, if he was a relative stranger.  But in this situation we’ve been talking for many months, been going on dates for a few, and been sleeping together for just over a month.  In this situation we’ve gotten to know eachother very well.  In this situation I’ve grown to like him, a lot.

If I said that I ever imagined things would get to this point I’d be lying.  And if I said that I ever imagined that having to sit down and tell someone I was kinky would be hard, I’d be lying.    It’s not the idea of being outted exactly that makes me nervous, because I long ago came to accept that being kinky is part of who I am.  And in that I’ve come to accept that I can’t have a life that is kink-free.  I think my concern comes from the idea that, in telling him, he’ll decide it’s not his cup of tea and decide to walk away.

Which the sensible part of  me says would be for the best, and is better realized sooner vs. later.  But then the other part of me is greedy and doesn’t want to rock the boat.

I guess I just wish there was a guide out there that clearly indicated ‘coming out to your vanilla partner?  Here’s how you do it’, and guaranteed that everything would be fine in the end.  But life doesn’t exactly roll that way, and usually nothing is a smooth transition these days.

The realist in me knows that odds are I’m worrying over nothing – he’s already shown proficiency in giving me pain, and eagerness to do so in my favorite way, and has a personality that has no issues with being the dominant personality in the bedroom.  But there’s just that nagging doubt in the back of my  mind that acknowledges this is going to suck if he can’t accept me for who I am.

The Single Submissive And The Vanilla World

“Sexuality is not a leisure or a part-time activity.  It is a way of being.”  — Alexander Lowel

It seemed to me like even my attempts for some ‘me’ time over the last few weeks found me running around doing errands and spending time with people.  So when this weekend rolled around I decided to put my foot down and declare it an e-weekend — all things e, all day until Monday at 3pm.   It seemed like a brilliant plan, and for the most part was efficient in its execution.  Not only did I manage to write a few blogs, catch up on tv shows, watch a movie (High Fidelity, sparked by a quote in a profile I read and a movie I <3 immensely), and most importantly:  played lots of video games.

There was one wrench thrown into my entire plan:  lunch on Saturday.  I made plans a few weeks ago to catch up over lunch with some of my vanilla friends.   Even though a good proportion of my friends are kink friendly, there is some kind of karmic balance maintained that states I need a certain percentage of non-kink people in my life.  So I made myself up pretty and headed out for what I anticipated to be a nice, steady reminder of why I greatly prefer kink people over vanilla people.

Maybe that’s a little harsh to say.  Revision:  … a nice, steady reminder of why I greatly prefer kink people over vanilla mothers.  <–   (Better)

A common theme with my vanilla friends as of late has been that I should get married and/or have kids.  I think my friends have moved past the point of caring if I have a boyfriend so long as I procreate.  Everyone is all baby all the time, and it’s this mentality that everyone should conform to their ways.  “Just think, our babies can grow up together!”.  Umm no.  “But it’s such a fulfilling experience!”  So is eating a cheese sandwich and playing Killzone 2.   “Don’t you want to know what it’s like to hold a little piece of you in your arms?”  Here is where I normally would make a remark about cupping my breasts, but everyone knows they’re not “little”.

Once the whole baby part of the conversation is done they move on to my need to get a boyfriend and get married.  “Well don’t you feel lonely?”  Sometimes, but that’s what friends are for.  “Don’t you wish you had someone to share things with?” That’s what the internet is for, and again, friends.  “Don’t you ever feel you have … needs?”  Yeah .. there’s no correct answer to that one that doesn’t make you sound like a whore, so  you just shrug and ask how their baby’s poop schedule is going.  That usually distracts them efficiently.

Then the rest of the meal is spent with the mommies talking about their kids while you push food around your plate, contemplating if they would even notice if you stabbed the fork through your hand.

I just feel like I can’t relate to most of my vanilla friends anymore.  Other than a few of them online they’ve all paired off and started reproducing, and now it feels as if they are lost to me.  Another factor in the whole equation is that I had told each of these women about things with my drinking co-worker.  For some reason this has implanted in their brains that we are this great on/off couple.  There is no couple; they just have this crazy idea of something that isn’t there.  They each know both of us, and both agree that we would be “such a cute looking couple”.   I always shrug and just use the excuse of being “too similar”, but when I can’t explain how they get confused.  I can’t really say to them “two submissive personalities don’t mesh together well”; they just wouldn’t get it.

It’s not that I don’t want to date; I’m open to the idea of going on dates with people and getting to know them.  But what my friends fail to understand is that I have tastes that they are unaware of which complicate matters greatly.  When you bring D/s into the mix it makes things infinitely more complicated.  You can’t really turn to most vanilla people and say “well yes we get along great and share tons of common interests, but he just won’t take control and beat me until broken,  or fuck me until I’m raw and my insides bleed”.   I’m pretty sure saying either of those things would finalize the friendship in that moment, and as frustrating as my vanilla friends may be in their ignorance of my dating tastes, I still want to keep them in my life.  I just really don’t know how to deal with it at times.

With my kink friends I don’t really see similar issues.  Some are married, few have kids.  But there never seems to be this pressure to conform and join in on the reindeer games.  You want to be single?  Great!  You don’t want a relationship right now?  Great idea!  You should probably get laid or some play though, once in awhile, it’s only healthy — and that’s about the extent of the peer-pressure that I suffer from the kink community.  Which isn’t really pressure, it’s just common sense.

I guess dipping my toes on the other side of line is a necessary evil once in awhile; it reminds me of what things are like the every day world and just how well I don’t fit in with the picket fence life.  But I just really wish they’d lay off the babies, seriously.  It makes me just want to scream red, even if no one there would understand that.

A Flash of Rebellion

“A little rebellion now and then is a good thing.” — Thomas Jefferson

Well I started 2010 off on an interesting foot — by kissing a near stranger.

Actually I think ‘kissing’ would be an understatement, as it was more like kissing him followed by straddling his lap and cranking up the intensity.   After a quick message this afternoon asking ‘did I happen to kiss you last night?’ I received a humoured reply indicating ‘why yes, several times’.

…..

I’m a very old-fashioned girl in the sense that I believe in men making the first move, so the fact that I did so -repeatedly- strikes an odd note for me.  Especially since the man in question was a Dominant.  But I think it was the casual banter that we had been sharing online for the past few weeks, and the fact that he transferred that into real life.  And the fact that I was pretty tipsy probably didn’t hurt matters much.

It all seemed innocent enough; I was sitting on the couch in between two Doms.  We were all talking nice and I declared I was tired of sitting and laying down, draping my feet across one’s lap and curling up under the arm of the other.  At one point a girl came along and my feet became attacked, so I kicked, screamed and (eventually) called red.   We joked about how I was not his type (in reference to a remark I made last week about ‘eww collars’), and after debating it again he conceded maybe I was his type after all.  And that’s when I kissed him.

I still don’t know exactly why I did it other than it felt like the right thing to do at that time.  I don’t regret doing it, but the timing of it all strikes me as interesting.  I’m in what I feel is the final stages of getting over a guy that I find to be dangerous for my soul.  We get close, we shove each other away.  It’s up and down, and it’s sad because we do like each other, but I just can’t do it any more.   And I actually went on a date last week with a slightly kinky man and had a really good time.  We have a loosely arranged a date for the end of the month, so I guess time will tell on that one.  Point being that I am actually getting in the saddle and making decisions.  Executing actions, living instead of hypothesizing.   Oh, and dipping my toes into the kink scene a little bit at a time.

Signs You’ve Been Out of the Scene Too Long

e: I am going to beat you
e: IN THE BAD WAY
c: please?
c: oh
c: meanie

Blogging hiatus is (hopefully) almost over.  Seriously, I’ve just been stupid busy .. and likely will be until the holidays.  Then it will be blogapalooza!  All kink all the time!  Or … something like that.

Highlights:  fet night on Friday (yay!).  Date arranged over xmas break (yay!).

Lowlights:  Saturday is spend-time-with-your-vanilla-friends day.  No beats were had on mini-vac (boo!).  My fwb situation is just .. ugh.  I want to smack him IN A VERY BAD WAY.

Optimism:  at least we weren’t dating.

Oh speaking of which, I’m starting to wonder if I might be at the stage where I’m ready to entertain the idea of ‘dating’ someone.  And by ‘dating’ I mean the process of going on ‘dates’ and maybe entering a ‘relationship’ if things go good.

(that was all for you h, <3)

This has to be the most random post ever in this blog.  I blame it on fatigue, and being stressed or something.  God the holidays (and 10 work-free days) cannot come fast enough.

Intercontinental Perversions

“Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.” — Benjamin Disraeli

Time for another trip!!!

Mmmm, kinky friends with no hidden agendas are pure win.  Maybe if I’m a good girl I’ll get beats.

Procrastination

“Men are accomplices to that which leaves them indifferent.” – George Steiner

I have a test in the morning that I’m starting to believe I’m going to likely fail.  I lack the motivation to study for it, and even though I keep forcing myself to sit on the couch away from distractions something always happens to throw my attention off.

I must have the most perfectly filed nails on the planet now.

Also the cleanest floors.

The freshest smelling apartment (due to replacing the air freshners).

The smoothest hair.

The most hydrated body (inside and out).

…..

At times like these I really wish I had a Dominant to (literally) smack some sense into me.

La Vie Simple

Things do not change; we change. — Henry David Thoreau

So wow, I haven’t posted in like .. ages. I can’t say that my submission/kink/sexuality/whichever has been put on as long of a hold, but .. yeah. Okay, my submission is on a hiatus of sorts, lol. Everything else is kinda … there, just more subdued.

I have the intention of continuing on the anal training course. My body seems to almost be ready for this in its normalcy, but it seems every time I set a specific day aside to work on it something comes up. Blarg. And I actually have been rather busy lately, so it’s justifiable.

Still working on the masturbation thing. For some reason orgasms make me feel rather .. alone. It’s not a fun feeling. Forcing myself into having more until I pass out usually solves that problem. You can’t feel lonely if you’re unconscious, lol.

I think my little hiatus from the scene is almost at its conclusion though. I find myself missing writing my thoughts about D/s. Granted I haven’t been thinking about it all that much lately, but I’ve noticed that over the last few weeks they’ve been creeping back in. No real desire to practice, more to just ponder.

I’m not really sure where I’m at emotionally. I still don’t feel this overwhelming desire to be in a relationship. This one guy keeps bugging me and bugging me for a date, to which I’m half tempted to agree just so he’ll get over it. Such a positive attitude! I don’t know when I became a girl that goes on a date just to get rid of a guy, but so it is. My thirties definitely seem different from my twenties.

Mind Matters

“To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.” — Buddha

Though I have a tasked writing assignment and a few other topics lined up already, I think I need a laidback generalized ‘what’s up’ post to fill up all the seriousness that’s been in my blog as of late. It’s getting too heavy (like my ass) and needs a bit of a break.

Body: I have a few days left of my oral antibiotics and then I am (hopefully) done. At this point I am just used to persistent stomach upset and feeling groggy. I think I’ve also come to accept that my birth control pills are never going to work at this rate since I’ve been on/off antibiotics twice now this year. Discussing the situation with Sir he says he’s quite okay with using condoms. We shall single-handedly destroy the environment with non-recyclable plastic products in the near future. The only odd thing right now is that my abdominal muscles are very very sore. I’m not sure why since I haven’t done any exercise, but they hurt like heck. If this is my biggest problem then that’s okay.

Mind: I’ve been feeling relatively stable (?) the last few days. That makes me sound nutters, which I’m not .. just insecure. Sir and I had a very long talk about this topic last night that actually made me feel a bit better. Though it is completely unapparent to anyone else I actually have made a very slight amount of progress in the ‘oh my god he’s cheating on me!’ field. When I told him about this he kinda laughed because apparently he just would never think of that stuff. But that’s me; I think outside the box

Sir (psychological): I’m continuously amazed at how my submission feeds off of Sir’s Dominance. As I’ve explained to him he has two personas in my mind: Sir, and himself. Sometimes when the dialogue stays too long in the ‘him’ mode I find I can’t just naturally switch to Sir-mode. However when he uses certain names for me (girl, slut, pet) they seem to immediately snap me over into a submissive mindset. The exception to this is ‘pretty girl’, which for some reason makes me happy but doesn’t make me feel submissive. He asked why and I couldn’t formulate a theory then, but I think I have an idea now — when I fell out of my submission a few months ago it is the one term that he continued to use regardless. Occasionally he still called me slut or whatso, but for the most part it was always ‘pretty girl’. So it seems like my brain has wired it as a non-D/s pet name. It can be used efficiently within the D/s mindset, but it won’t trigger that change as easily as the others.

Sir (physical): We haven’t seen eachother since my last-minute flight to visit him in Hawaii and we have both been itching for some time alone in person. We had been tossing around the idea of meeting in Vegas the weekend of my birthday (spanks anyone?) but never actually finalized it. I found out yesterday that I can get the time off, so now things seem to be flowing more into motion. Flights from his location and my location are pretty reasonable (especially from his end, which are usually around $900 return now being like $500-600). We had tossed around my visiting him in May and July, or him visiting me in May. But a small part of me is kind of greedy; it’s my 30th birthday and I’d like to do something different. I’m already planning to visit Sir in July/August, and we’ve talked briefly about the idea of him visiting here in the fall so the idea of meeting on a middle ground seems rather … logical.

I threw out the idea of him flying here and then us going on a roadtrip down to Philly or something, but call me selfish but we haven’t seen eachother in a few months. I want to spend time with him, not in a car on highways/interstates for 4-6 hours at a time. Vegas is something we have both always wanted to do but never had an excuse, so it seems like a good buffer. So I have to figure out hotels and activities so we can start booking stuff, since it’s like a month away (eeps!).

Also on my plate is the ticket to visit Sir in July. Originally my plan was to visit from the 25th of July until August 3rd. Tickets have been steadily around the $850-$900 mark for the round trip, which I don’t have an issue with paying. But one of the carriers that I would deem more reliable (and is Canadian actually) actually implemented a huge fare drop that sees my ticket dropping to $630 (and this same ticket was almost $2000 last week). The only catch is I have to reschedule the trip from the 27th until August 6th. In a sense I actually gain an extra day with him this way, since I leave 2 days later than planned but come back 3 days later. But now I would have to use 3 extra vacation days that I hadn’t planned on, which means I would only have 7 left to last me the rest of the year. So extending the trip might save me money now, but might leave me short on time for other visits.

Tasks/Training: Haven’t really faltered. Sir seems to be having a bit of fun assigning specific topics to write about so that I can ‘think’ on certain areas that I might normally just gloss over. This is all fine except they are usually ones with which I have limited knowledge, which is the point I guess so I learn about them. But at the same time they also seem to be things that don’t have a lot of resources laying around to help me. So they are becoming quite the challenge. As for training, specifically anal, it’s still on hiatus until the pills are done and I can resume my ‘routine’ cocktail of about 7 pills. At least it stabilizes things. Sir has mentioned however that he wants me to get another plug, a larger one. Plus, since the loose plan was for him to give me birthday spanks and then fuck my ass I’m going to need a more practical enema kit. So I have to find and put an order in for these this week in order to make sure they arrive before my trip. Whew.

I truly am a busy little sub-bee.

Insecurities Abound

“People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.” – Norman Cousins

I know this blog topic is not based on submission itself, but since it has an effect on my ability to be one I think it’s of relevance and thus, belongs here vs. other places. It’s been tumbling around through my head for the past week or so, but I’ve just been hesitating to put it down into text. And Sir and I briefly discussed it the other day, but I still feel it weighing on my mind.

Part of the reason I dragged my heels so much in getting involved with Sir was due to my insecurities, which are certainly in no way lacking. And though it has been almost seven months now (!!!!), I really haven’t seen any progress in them disappearing from my brain. In fact, in some aspects they seem to have doubled rather than halved themselves. Some people are of the opinion that you need to move on with life in order to move past other things; I’ve tried to believe this in order for it to be true but I just don’t seem to be making any progress.

For my I find my insecurities to be a rather cyclical pattern, meaning that one thing happens and it triggers the entire cycle instead of one specific aspect of them. For the most part they stem off the belief that when men get bored their interests tend to wane, at which point they end up cheating. It’s not a hair-brained theory; in my experience it’s what actually happens. So when Sir gets busy or preoccupied for a period of time, and our quality one-on-one time starts to dwindle, my insecurities tend to kick into gear. And (despite what he may think) we’re not talking about like one busy day making me turn into a paranoid lunatic; it’s usually a few days or a week of steady trending that is progressively getting worse. I guess for me I have this need to feel like the person cares, like the person wants me around, like I’m not just something sitting on the back of the shelf until they feel like playing with me. When I feel like that I get antsy and worry excessively that I’m not good enough to satisfy any more, and it’s only a matter of time before something better/pretty-shiny-newer catches his eye.

I think a part of this situation is the distance. As I’ve explained to him it is a huge obstacle for me here. I generally am very comfortable in long distance relationships because it gives me my time during the week on my own, but gives me the weekends to spend with my partner. The difference in this case is that my partner is not just an hour or two away driving. In fact, it would take 12 hours (and $1,000) to fly to see him, so there’s not really an opportunity for a quick cheap surprise visit. So I guess I equate the lack of physical reassurance and comforts as requiring a bit more effort in the mental/emotional area. And it’s not that he’s neglectful, because he isn’t. But when we get into periods of time where we just can’t meet up, or when we do catch up with one another he seems easily distracted .. it just doesn’t feel like he wants to spend time with me, just that he feels he’s supposed to so he is.

Another issue with this whole cycle is a confidence insecurity. I’m sure most people will read the following and assume I’m exaggerating, but I’m not: the first girl that each of my exes has dated after me is the girl they have ended up marrying. Without fail in every case to date. They don’t marry me, but they do marry the next girl. Not to mention they usually end up changing their ways with the next person also. So while my sister will sit there and equate this to “well losing you made them smarten up”, I equate this to being “if I was so wonderful why didn’t they fix the problems while with me?”. Which essentially, is true. I don’t understand why I get stuck with the crappy versions of my exes that lie, deceive, cheat, act like bigots, racists, and assholes. And the next girl to come along gets the new model with all the perks and the previous defects removed. It just doesn’t seem fair to me that I spend the rest of my life being the primer for men to be great for the next woman they meet, which they will incidentally marry. The trigger for all this was finding out that apparently my ex is dating again. I don’t really have any desire to revisit things with him considering how/why things ended, but at the same time I guess it was just a reality check that he’s moving on in a more concrete manner than I am. I predict he’ll propose by the end of this year. Why? Because he’s wanted to settle down and start a family for years now, just apparently not with me *shrugs*.

I find it ironic that Sir and I have differing views in priorities when it comes to these things. See for me, I would likely marry my Dominant but don’t feel any real need to be collared. Sir however is open to collaring but doesn’t want to ever marry. So this kind of leaves us with a bit of a problem in which, at some point, someone has to compromise for the other to be happy. Sometimes I wonder if a collar might take away some of my insecurities, if it might make me feel more comfortable in my place. But then that’s not exactly the point of having a collar; I should want it because of this overwhelming desire to tell all that I am his property in wearing it, not because it might make me feel a little better. And even then, let’s be honest … if a person is going to wander, a collar or a wedding band is not going to change things.

I guess I just wish that at some point my brain would fix itself so that I’m more comfortable in things. So that each time I say I’m too tired to play, or too tired to talk, or each time I have an ‘off’ day and just need some time to myself .. that each time one of these happen I don’t worry myself that I’m pushing him off onto someone else. That each time I forget to do something or fail in another that it’s not going to make him try and find someone a little better. It just makes me introverted and makes me pull away, which then makes me worry even more about .. meh.

I’d say I feel like a broken record, but most of the time I just feel broken. Period.