Verbal Consent

“Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability…nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff” – The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman and Katherine Liszt

Last night Sir and I had an interesting discussion (debate?) about the place and importance of consent when it comes to certain areas in the kink scene.  I know that, for the most part, a lot of things are assumed consent.  For instance, in my submission to Sir he knows that he can use me at a whim in whatever way he sees fit. However, these moments of assumed consent are still found to be located within specific restrictions.  For instance, I don’t do anal right now, so he would not be using my ass.  I would not be willing to stick my fingers in my cunt and clean them off when I am menstruating.  Nor would I be willing to engage in sexual behavior under my father’s roof or in the workplace.  This rather ties back into my post about limits, basically implying that in outlining my limits to Sir he knows what is okay with me and what is not okay.  So essentially I am available to his whims 24/7 so long as they do not encroach upon my personal limits.

We have discussed on multiple occasions the idea of a rape scene.  Now I am in no way condoning rape and saying it is a good thing.  In no way would I ever want to find myself a victim of rape by a complete stranger.  However, it isn’t to say that the idea of the brutality that comes with the act would not appeal to me if it was with someone I trusted.  I crave on some carnal level to satisfy the urge to be used, beaten, and broken down to satisfy whatever whims he has at the moment without any regard for how the act would make -me- feel.  On a very simplistic level, it would be giving to him one of the best gifts I could ever imagine giving:  complete and utter loss of control on my part to whatever his impulses wish for him to do.  He is a truly deep and cruel sadist, so the idea scares me yet excites me at once.  It’s a craving I have had for years, but never have met someone whom I felt could care for me enough to break me (as ironic as that sounds).

Sir brought up the idea of the entire ‘mock rape’ being a spontaneous thing versus being planned out, claiming that it would seem more authentic in this way.  I indicated that such a thing would be alright with me (greatly so), but provided that he make his intentions clear from the start.  By this I meant that if he wished to take a scene from a situation of casual play into one of a rape scene he needs to get consent first.  He argued that this basically removes the whole authenticity to the situation if you wait to get permission from the person for what is about to happen.  He was quite stubborn on this point, as was I in my view.  I found it ironic that my argument stood more for protection of -his- rights than my own.  As I tried to explain to him, you cannot take a person from a situation in which they have the security of safewords and thus a ’safety net’ should things get too intense, and on a whim drag them into a situation where that security is removed without notice.  If it were me and I was strung up, and say I was being caned until I was sobbing and crying out my safeword.  If he continued then, in my eyes, this is no longer consentual play since the dynamic is based off the concept that every act is consentual.  If he were fucking me and I asked him to stop and he did not, then he is essentially raping me because he is not listening to my wishes.  In either case, by jumping into a scene like that without ensuring I am in the same mindset as he is, without verbally acknowledging that I am aware of what is about to happen, he essentially is opening himself up to the risk of prosecution if he does not halt things.

However, should he lean over and whisper in my ear his intents, that he plans to use and beat me however he wishes with absolute disregard to my comfort, and makes it clear that I can safeword until I am blue in the face and he will not stop .. if he tells me this and forces me to verbally agree or disagree to what is about to happen, then he is protecting himself.   Also, it forces me to make sure that I am in the right mood/mindset for the acts that are about to follow.  As I explained to him, saying aloud that I am aware of what is about to happen will not diminish the quality of the act in my eyes.  If anything it would increase my mindspace since I know going into it that I have absolutely zero control over what he is going to do to my body, just as it would happen within a realistic situation.  I can accept what he going to do, and perhaps even enjoy it a bit in this knowledge because ultimately it’s my own choice to be there.  However, to be forced into that situation, to be safe wording and for it to keep going, well I find that would run the risk of being psychologically damages because instead of mimicking the act of rape, you are in a sense actually being raped.

I think he was surprised when he asked what I would do in that situation, if I told him to stop and he kept going.  I told him it depended on the context of the play — if it was a safe environment where I say stop and he doesn’t, and he fucked me up badly, absolutely I would report him.  However if I knowingly walked into the situation, I would view it as my own fault.  This isn’t to say that verbal consent to open play/rape scenes means it’s a carte blanche.  There are still restrictions in my view, i.e. you will not kill me, you will not cut me up, you will not scar  me, you will not shove broken glass into my cunt, etc ..  Sir always repeats the motto of ‘if you break your toys you cannot play with them anymore’, but what I might view as broken could be different from his view.  For instance, he threw out the remark of my resenting him if my ass was bleeding for three weeks after his use of it, and I will honestly admit that dumbfounded me.  I was lost in the thought of ‘three weeks??’, and all I could get out of my mouth was ‘that doesn’t sound very safe …’ with my mind thinking back to situations such as Mr. Hands, dying of blood poisoning from the toxicity of his ass being ripped to shreds.  This reinforced for me a few things, being (a) I really need to begin anal training, (b) I really need to learn to get comfortable with the idea of use that way, and (c) a few safeguards need to be put into place.  As much as the idea of being used to that extent excites me, I also can acknowledge that it is not safe to be damaged that badly.  Could I consciously agree to that?  Probably not.  Would Sir go that far?  Again, probably not.  I could see him making sure I was sore and used, and felt it for days to come, but not to the extent of inflicting enough damage that medical help would be required.

It’s a very very VERY grey area that needs to be walked very carefully.  For one, you don’t want to break the law.  Secondly, you don’t want to break the rules.  Thirdly, you don’t want to break the person.  He mentioned he had slight reservations about my mind putting me in a bad place, pushing the wrong buttons and making me resist until I am loathing every second.  That, in the end of it I will hate him and leave from the experience.  I admitted that it was a risk, it’s always a risk.  However by testing the waters, figuring out what buttons to not push, and by discussing ahead of time what can/cannot happen you’re creating an umbrella in which you know what could happen, but not what will happen.  You’re not removing the spontaneity, but you are instead making sure that both people are on the same page as to limit any possible long term damage from the experience.  I truly want it, and to learn from it, be humbled, be whatever it is that his deep desires want from me.  But do I want it with the risk of losing everything from the experience?  Absolutely not.  I know that the first time it will not be perfect, and it will likely not be as hardcore as either of us wants it.  There will not be the ability to throw complete caution to the wind and indulge the deepest desires you have.  But maybe the third time, the fifth time, or the seventeenth time, maybe we will both be comfortable enough to let go completely.